Resume Your Journey... a short thought....

Hi again,

So, it’s now been 2 years and 3 days since Anne had to leave us.

I never will know why that happened… even with all the medical followup, detective work on our part as a total family to get a definitive answer… there are clues, there are suggestions, but no final answer except that she died from SCA…. Sudden Cardiac Arrest…

Monday, the 9th , the second anniversary of Anne’s death, was an interesting day… a lot of our family was together… Megan just had Sami, and we were celebrating her birth…

And in all of that… you realize that Life never stops moving on… and in the moving on you never leave Anne behind… you incorporate her into your soul…

Sami looks like Anne as a baby… we will see how that plays out as she grows.

Sami is not a replica… she is whole and unique on her own… she is joy and love …

The journey… always moving.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Why do we do it?

Hi Everyone,

I titled this post “Why do we do it?” for a reason. Of course it’s for a reason, right? Or I would not have written it.

I’ve been thinking and wondering a lot lately. We had Anne’s second annual Legacy benefit last week. It was an amazing night… over 3,000 people attended or tried to attend, as after the capacity for safe numbers at the Chelsea Market was reached, we had to turn people away.

I know why we did that. The event was to raise funds for the work we’re doing to honor Anne through the Anne Saxelby Legacy Fund… to do the work, we need monies. To make monies, we need to have an event, and ask people to consider donating.

Why we started the Fund is more complicated…

We started the fund to honor a person who had to leave this life. Why did she have to leave? I know we have answers of some sort, but the real reason is because even though she took good care of herself, was in excellent physical shape, loved her life… her family, her kids especially… her body gave out.

So, we keep her spirit and passions alive, because she can not.

Why do we do that? Because we chose to have her presence and influence in this world , in her family, in her friends, in people she loved, in her work, not be over.

We chose to love her through the mission and work of her Legacy Fund.

What do we do when someone we love dies suddenly? Or faces a terminal illness?

I have a beautiful friend who has now chosen to be in Hospice. She made a choice to live out the rest of her life without pain, without poking and prying and hoping for a different outcome.

Why do we honor that? Why do we do that?

Because we love her.

And as I continue to think about these moments of life ,the moments that are truly horrible… moments we wish with all of the fibers of our being were not the reality, we go one, we do all that we can to help, to honor because of one word, LOVE.

Love…

We do what we do when life throws us, when life gives us the unthinkable, because of love.

That’s it.

That’s why we do it…

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Ramblings...

Hi all,

I titled this blog Ramblings… probably because that’s what is in my head today.

Over the last month, two families we love and care about have had their lives turned upside down, upended without any warning…

One family lost a young father, tragic and unexpected… one family is dealing with a major health issue… not sure of the outcome…

So… I thought Ramblings was the most appropriate thing to title this piece… as Life presents more random unplanned events.

And I guess that’s the major theme here… Unplanned, unknown, unexpected.

The longer I am in this life, the more I understand that we truly do not control much.

We can control what we choose to do, what we choose to eat, what we choose to read etc.. but in terms of the BIG stuff… those are the elements that are often out of our control, out of our reach.

The family that lost their young father began their day like any other, without any forethought of tragedy arriving at their door that day…

The friend who is dealing with a health issue, did everything right, and still is now in the midst of surgeries and unplanned added outcomes.

As we, my family, has been navigating life after Anne unexpectedly died, one of the things that I often think about is how to not keep looking over our shoulders to see what may be coming… waiting, so to say, for the other shoe to drop.

After you are presented with a huge unexpected life event, how do you proceed?

The answer to that is different for everyone… one moment at a time…however it works for YOU.

I have often referred to Megan Devine’s Book… “It’s Ok that you’re Not Ok” as a powerful guide to navigating loss… in all it’s forms.

I was speaking with my friend today, who is dealing with one curveball after another as she works to regain her health, and she said she’s tired of people telling her what and how to feel.

That is the fundamental truth for all of us… navigating loss is personal. There is no formula for how to proceed … there’s just the clumsy, murky realities of how to keep breathing and living.

Sometimes despite our absolute best intentions we stumble when trying to help others…

Best intentions, though well intended, can fall flat or actually irritate the person, persons trying to find a path, a plan a roadway to leave Grief behind, because Grief is exhausting.

I say to anyone who asks me what they can do, and my answer is sit next to me, do not tell me what to do.

Check in with your people, let them know you’re there, even if it’s messy…

Don’t try to fix anything… because you can’t.

But you can Love them… because Love demands nothing. It’s patient and kind.

Patience, kindness, love… always help.

When life is upended… Love even harder.

My ramblings for today…

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Always...

Hi,

I never actually know when it feels like the time to write something new…it just happens.

Like today.

Today is the day a friend of mine’s adult son died. I am not going to say “passed away”. He died.

There’s no sugar coating death. It’s real, and permanent.

So, as I was writing to her, and hoping to use words that would provide kinship, or solace or both, I realized that as much as our society would like to make this easier, you just can not.

My friend’s son has been gone for 3 years… Anne almost 20 months… and time does provide some distance… yet the feelings never go away.

I find now that some days I can spend a lot of the day being engaged in life again. Finding joy, and yes happiness with the people I love, and the experiences of that day.

I can smile, I can laugh, I can find joy… yet there is always the surprise…

I feel her presence, her spirit, her essence in a variety of ways, and often. I find myself looking for her…

And yes, Life does go on, but it’s going on with a new rhythm… like when you hear a song, but hear something new or different in it’s melody, one you didn’t hear before.

And, it’s interesting how it’s always there.

I went to a wedding recently. Sooo happy for the wonderful couple that was celebrating. And it’s during those situations, that you get the surprise … not prepared for what someone chooses to bring up.

I had that happen… and that’s the tricky part of immersing yourself again in life…

You never know when you might get tripped up by someone who says something …

And when that happens, you are right there… again.

I guess that’s the part I want to share.

Loosing someone you love is never, ever easy. Loosing a child is impossible.

I write these posts for myself, and for sharing my reality. It’s messy…

And as I continue to learn, there’s no way out of the mess.

There are times when I can live quietly with my grief… carrying my loss of my Anne differently than others…because everyone who has lost a child has to learn to carry that loss their way.

Today, trying to share words with my friend… trying to provide comfort in the shared kinship we share, is both horrible and wonderful.

Horrible because our children are no longer on this earth…

Wonderful because they were here, and we got to love them every day they were.

Always love…. ever, and always, and forever.

Love always lasts.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Prolonged Grief Disorder??????????

Hi All,

I heard this topic mentioned the other day.

Prolonged Grief Disorder???

HMMMMMM…..

I had the most amazing opportunity last week to spend time with 3 of my dearest friends. We were able to spend 5 days together at our home on the water. The only reason I had “on the water” is because being near the water has always been soul quenching for me, and for these wonderful friends.

I had not seen one of my friends for quite some time, and actually I think the last amount of time we spent together in the same space that was prolonged, was at Anne’s funeral.

So being together I knew we would talk… she had given me space I had asked for…

This grief process is tricky… Gut wrenching, depleting, overwhelming, educational and yes, also filled with love. This is what we discussed…

Notice I said “grief process”. It is a process, and it is a life long process.

When I saw the topic of:

“Prolonged Grief Disorder” I laughed.

When you love someone … truly love someone… grief is a life long companion.

Some days the companion is loving, some days distressing, some days unbearable.

The problem with thinking that prolonged grief is a “disorder” is that that thought process judges … it judges how grief is “supposed “to be dealt with.

And in Grief there is ABSOLUTELY NO SUPPOSED TO BE.

By even coming up with this idea, this thought process, the reality of loss, is being categorized, as if there is a 5 step process to work through, and then you are all done… this is not how it works.

Before we lost Anne, I had read the books about the 5 steps of Grief… interesting ideas.

But after we lost Anne, I realized that is just not reality.

Making anyone feel that you need to get over your loss, not talk about it, bury it, be done, is just not the reality.

Grief is love… both of which are life long.

One of my dear friends who I had the gift of spending time with last week, lost a child many years ago. I lost my child about 18 months ago… the times are identical. Deep Grief, the loss of someone you love, does not resolve itself ever.

What does happen, in my experience of it at this point in my journey, is it ebbs and flows, like a wave.

Some days the waves are calm, some days not. Like the Ocean, it is ever evolving…. never the same.

So the idea of a disorder with carrying prolonged grief is fodder for professionals to label someone… and that only makes the process of living with grief harder.

There is absolutely no shame in Grief…

Grief is part of living….

My friend and I who share the same reality of the loss of a child are doing this every day. Living and carrying our grief with us.

That is the reality… you carry your grief with you… and yes it is prolonged… it’s always part of your life… as is the person you lost… as is your love for them.

There is no disorder in prolonged grief.

There is the reality of how to live your life without your person in it … for the rest of your life.

That my friends is the reality…

Living, loving, carrying…

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Love...

Hi all,

Today seems to be the perfect day to write about love.

Love… a simple word… OR IS IT?

noun: love; plural noun: loves

1. 1.

   an intense feeling of deep affection.

   "babies fill parents with feelings of love"

   Similar:

   deep affection

   fondness

   tenderness

   warmth

   intimacy

   attachment

   endearment

   devotion

   adoration

   doting

   idolization

   worship

   passion

   ardor

   desire

   lust

   yearning

   infatuation

   adulation

   besottedness

   compassion

   care

   caring

   regard

   solicitude

   concern

   friendliness

   friendship

   kindness

   charity

   goodwill

   sympathy

   kindliness

   altruism

   philanthropy

   unselfishness

   benevolence

   brotherliness

   sisterliness

   fellow feeling

   humanity

   relationship

   love affair

   affair

   romance

   liaison

   affair of the heart

   intrigue

   amour

   Opposite:

   hatred

   • a feeling of deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone.

     "they were both in love with her"

     Similar:

     besotted with

     infatuated with

     enamored of

     love-struck by

     smitten with

     passionate about

     with a passion for

     consumed with desire for

     captivated by

     bewitched by

     enthralled by

     entranced by

     devoted to

     doting on

     mad/crazy/nuts/wild about

     bowled over by

     carrying a torch for

     potty about

     twitterpated by

   • affectionate greetings conveyed to someone on one's behalf.

     "give her my love"

     Similar:

     best wishes

     regards

     good wishes

     greetings

     kind/kindest regards

     felicitations

     salutations

     compliments

     best

     respects

   • a formula for ending an affectionate letter.

     "take care, lots of love, Judy"

   • a personified figure of love, often represented as Cupid.

     noun: Love

2. 2.

   a great interest and pleasure in something.

   "his love for football"

   Similar:

   liking

   weakness

   partiality

   bent

   leaning

   proclivity

   inclination

   disposition

   enjoyment

   appreciation

   soft spot

   taste

   delight

   relish

   passion

   zeal

   appetite

   zest

   enthusiasm

   keenness

   predilection

   penchant

   fondness

3. 3.

   a person or thing that one loves.

   "she was the love of his life"

   Similar:

   beloved

   loved one

   love of one's life

   dear

   dearest

   dear one

   darling

   sweetheart

   sweet

   sweet one

   angel

   honey

   lover

   boyfriend

   girlfriend

   significant other

   betrothed

   paramour

   inamorata

   inamorato

   querida

   • INFORMAL•BRITISH

     a friendly form of address.

     "it's all right, love"

   • INFORMAL

     used to express affectionate approval for someone.

     noun: a love

     "don't fret, there's a love"

4. 4.

   (in tennis, squash, and some other sports) a score of zero; nil.

   "love fifteen"

verb

verb: love; 3rd person present: loves; past tense: loved; past participle: loved; gerund or present participle: loving

1. 1.

   feel deep affection for (someone).

   "he loved his sister dearly"

   Similar:

   be in love with

   be infatuated with

   be smitten with

   be besotted with

   be passionate about

   care very much for

   feel deep affection for

   hold very dear

   adore

   think the world of

   be devoted to

   dote on

   cherish

   worship

   idolize

   treasure

   prize

   be mad/crazy/nuts/wild about

   have a pash on

   carry a torch for

   be potty about

   Opposite:

   hate

   loathe

   detest

   • feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).

     "she really loved him"

2. 2.

   like or enjoy very much.

HMMM…

These are the abundant meanings of love, noun and verb… maybe NOT so simple.

When you love someone it truly changes you. It changes your DNA.

When you are loved, it change you as well, that too changes your DNA.

So, LOVE is not simple at all.

It is demanding…

It demands patience, kindness, trust, faith, commitment , forgiveness, and letting go of all that you might want for the sake of another human being…

Now, that is definitely not simple!

When you choose love and you choose to be loved, you are changing the fabric of your life. Whether you like it or not, you are now intertwined …

So, when you loose someone that you love deeply, and that loved you back deeply it changes the very fabric of your life…

Love… it demands a lot…

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Juxtaposition ...

“Juxtaposition…

the fact of two things being seen or placed close together with contrasting effects”

Hi all,

This past week and this coming week, I have the honor and the challenge of talking with young people about The Anne Saxelby Legacy Fund… https://www.annesaxelbylegacyfund.org/

It is an honor to share the story of our beautiful, strong, creative daughter. Her story, and the difference she made in this world are inspiring and compelling.

After Anne died, and every time I write that phrase it is still unreal and odd to me… Patrick, Anne’s husband and I started The Anne Saxelby Legacy Fund https://www.annesaxelbylegacyfund.org/ as a way to continue her mission and share her passion about not just cheese, farmers and markets, but about how one person can be the catalyst for great change.

The goal of Anne’s Legacy is to provide opportunities for young people to find their passion, see the world in a new and different way, understand where their food comes from, and hopefully, see a new vision for themselves and what they can do with their lives.

And… here is the juxtaposition…

Each time I speak with and to these groups of young people, I am also doing so because Anne is no longer here to tell her story.

While I am speaking, I am eager and hopeful that what we do and are building with her fund will resonate. That her life and her choices, and her accomplishments will lead to other young people pursuing their passions. Building new opportunities for themselves, and for the communities they go back to, or choose to live in.

To make a difference…

Each time I speak with some curious and invested young person I am filled with the sense of Anne standing right next to me, smiling and cheering me/us on. By us, I mean the entire Legacy Fund organization.

It is exhilarating and exhausting at the same time.

Exhilarating because I hope to ignite a spark… encourage someone to think outside the box, to consider a new path, and take the opportunity to see what can happen when they take a chance.

Exhausting because I have to acknowledge again, and again, that Anne is no longer here to do this herself.

So, as I continue, and the work of her Legacy Fund continues, as we, the collective group of people involved, farmers, chefs, and businesses who say “Yes” to this cause honor her and make her proud through how we choose to keep her spirit and passion alive, this juxtaposition will continue…

“The fact of two things being seen or placed close together with contrasting effect”

We, all of us in the Fund, and the people who love you, will continue to tell your story.

What you did, Anne, “ who you were, how you lived mattered… and it will continue to through the lives of other young people who carry your Legacy on.

Love… pain… a juxtaposition…

Thanks for reading,

Pam

And....Now What?

Hi All,

Happy New Year… A brand new year.

Every year at this time, somewhere between Christmas and the first week of January, I take time to assess. To write down my thoughts, dreams, goals for the brand new year. Our second year without our beautiful Anne.

We had a pleasant Holiday… we got to spend time with 4 of our grandchildren and their parents at our home.

We have a place that provides for a lot of outside time, which is grand when you have a lot of people in one space.

The kids were a joy! This was the first time Anne and Patrick’s children were able to meet Megan and Max’s daughter.

Life … it had gotten in the way of this cousin introduction.

It was a delight to watch Max, Josie and Reggie meet Lucy. They were so kind and so excited to meet her, and Lucy was so happy too.

Max, he’s our oldest grand child, is 8 years older than Lucy. He’s 10 and she is 2… my heart was happy watching them play and hug… laugh and enjoy each other!

Since Anne has been gone, a beautiful white Heron has begun appearing at our home… on the beach, by the pool, flying over head, resting on the beach, just looking at us.

On Christmas night this beautiful creature appeared, and hung out with Lucy and her parents on the beach… it was magical, and moving.

When Patrick and the kids arrived, the Heron showed up quietly off to the side… when Bill was fishing with Max, our grandson, ( we also have Big Max, Megan’s husband… we have 3 sets of shared names in our family) and Megan, the Heron joined them in the water… and when Patrick and the kids left… while Bill and I were beginning to put the toys away and straighten the beach, the Heron appeared… just quietly stood there… and then gently fly away… off to the north.

All of these visits… magical … moving.

I don’t know what anyone else’s beliefs are. I however, am a spiritual person… and I believe that souls live on, and choose to connect with us after they leave this earth.

The Greeks believed that Herons are messengers from the Gods.

I copied this from my search as to the meaning of Herons when they appear in your life. I know that Anne is watching over us all. That she is present and near and helping our family, each and every one of us as we continue to try and navigate our new reality.

“The Greeks believed the heron was a messenger from the gods. The heron was thought to have been sent by Athena and Aphrodite, the goddesses of wisdom and love. Athena, for example, once sent a heron to Odysseus during his odyssey as a sign that she was watching him.”

As anyone who has had to deal with great loss knows, each person’s journey is unique to them. Their’s alone to navigate, even when there are others who want to help, it is still a singular path.

I am grateful for the presence of the Heron. She reminds me of Anne… tall, elegant with long beautiful legs. Graceful, and tricky… so full of power and quietly able to ascend quickly into the air.

Anne was quiet, elegant, powerful and beautiful. She was able to stand quietly off to the side, her presence known and her influence huge through her strength, her belief in her cheese mission… a mission that changed American Cheese and the people she touched.

As I reflected on my thoughts that early January morning, I knew that gratitude was one of the most powerful feelings I had.

Gratitude for the life my daughter had, for the life she led, for the difference she made.

Gratitude for her children, for her husband, for his determination to make her life continue to be relevant and powerful.

Gratitude that I got to be her Mom…

And I am grateful for you...for taking the time to read my words.

Thank you,

Pam

Heartbreak and Holidays...

Hi,

Heartbreak and Holidays… can they exist together?

I have found this past year, that the coexistence of Heartbreak with whatever is happening in your day, is part of this process of navigating our new reality. We do not spend every day being sad, but parts of lots of days have sadness in them. We love Anne… she’s not here.

The other night my husband and I were talking about what is our new normal. Normal… that’s a word that most likely for all of us, means something different.

I just looked up the definition of the word “normal”. It means “Conforming to a standard; usual, typical or expected.”

Nothing is usual, typical or expected right now. We are redefining what that looks like.

As all of you know, when you go through great loss, there’s a paradigm shift.

What was, is no longer.

What is, is where you are at.

What will be??? Well, that’s still to come…

Holidays are times of lots of feelings for everyone! Joy, stress, love, excitement …. etc.

But, when you add heartbreak to that list of terms, your new reality is messier than “normal” …it is not usual, or typical or anything expected. It’s being reorganized and realigned as you go….

We had a nice Thanksgiving… a lot of the family was together … and some were on a mission to Minnesota.

Those of us that were all together smiled, and laughed… we also shed a tear or two, and hugged a lot!

Holidays and traditions are always evolving… just like life. Change is the constant…

When you’re little, you go to your grandparents homes, then you get bigger and people come to your homes, then your kids get bigger, and you go to their homes… it’s a consistent life process.

One generation replaces the next. Time… it keeps on moving.

I am grateful, we are not quite as raw this year as we were last year at this time. Time… it does that.

Time will not replace or remove the heartbreak of loss… time will not return Anne to us…

Time, we hope, will continue to help us learn to carry our loss with us. Honoring our beautiful Anne always with how we choose, yes choose, to live our lives.

Our heartbreak is present, it’s sneaky… it ebbs and flows… you never quite know when it will appear, or even why… the truth is, it’s its own entity. When it shows up, we will give it space… we will honor it…

We will also smile, we will also laugh, we will also shed a tear or two, and most importantly, we will share love ever aware that time is precious.

I hope you spend time with those you love this Holiday Season.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Adaptable?

Hi,

After I wrote my last piece, I had a number of responses and comments… Thank you to all who did that!

It matters to know that someone is reading what you wrote… and by the euphemism “you” I mean anyone who writes … is appreciative of people who take the time to let them know someone paid attention to their words.

Finding my way and finding my voice through this process of great loss in my life, continues to be a journey. I expect it will be a life long journey. And that does not preclude living, it means that life and living now, is exponentially different.

I know that loss is an integral part of living…. As I have often said, “No One gets out of here alive.” And I know that is not mine to own… I did not invent that saying.

That is a fact. None of us, except fictional characters and super heroes are immortal… and even then Superman was vulnerable.

In my previous life, before Anne died, I tried honestly to understand and process the “right” thing/things to say to someone who was going through grief… yet now, I wish I could have used my words and my voice in and even greater level of compassion.

Unfortunately, I am now part of a Club.

The Club of people who have lost a child to death. It does not matter the way that happened, it matters that it has happened…

I am fortunate though, to have a relationship with a number of women who have also lost a precious child. One of my Club members lost 2 children to miscarriage, and yes, that matters because the loss of a child, at any stage of their lives is devastating.

As I have talked with these women, and they have talked with me, it’s been consoling, and helpful. Shared experiences… they open up a different level of understanding.

One of my Club mates shared the word “ Adapt” with me.

The definition of “Adapt” is:

“Become adjusted to new conditions”

“To change as to fit a new situation”

In my last musing, I wrote about great loss as something that you do not get over, you do not move on, there is no healing… and that is absolutely truth. We speak and discuss death and loss in this country in a way that no longer works.

Megan Devine has written, in my opinion, a revolutionary book about death titled “Its’ OK that you’re not OK”.

Another Club mate of mine, referred me to this book which has/is a helpful and passionate discussion on what/how etc to do as you are experiencing the unimaginable loss of someone you love deeply.

There are no rules, there are no timelines, there are no stages of grief…. there is not a neat package or timeline to process through.

Thus, the word “Adapt”…

To me, the woman who shared this with me is wise and right… there is no healing, there is not getting over, there is ADAPTING….

For anyone who is living this reality of loss, be kind to yourself. Your journey is personal, and private and ultimately only you can decide how you choose what you do with each day you are living without your person.

I am grateful for my friend who shared this word with me. I am sorry we are in the same Club… and I am sorry for anyone else who is in this Club. Remember … this journey is yours. How you choose, or how you decide how you go on… you get to Adapt in however it works for you!

Personally, I am Adapting… not because I would choose the new situation and reality of my life, but because Life is precious… that may sound trite, but it is…

No one gets out here alive…

Some leave us way too early…

Every day I wish Anne was here, and that will not change.

Adapting… becoming adjusted to new conditions, changing to fit a new situation…

That’s what I am doing….like it or not.

Thanks for reading,

Pam