Hi,
After I wrote my last piece, I had a number of responses and comments… Thank you to all who did that!
It matters to know that someone is reading what you wrote… and by the euphemism “you” I mean anyone who writes … is appreciative of people who take the time to let them know someone paid attention to their words.
Finding my way and finding my voice through this process of great loss in my life, continues to be a journey. I expect it will be a life long journey. And that does not preclude living, it means that life and living now, is exponentially different.
I know that loss is an integral part of living…. As I have often said, “No One gets out of here alive.” And I know that is not mine to own… I did not invent that saying.
That is a fact. None of us, except fictional characters and super heroes are immortal… and even then Superman was vulnerable.
In my previous life, before Anne died, I tried honestly to understand and process the “right” thing/things to say to someone who was going through grief… yet now, I wish I could have used my words and my voice in and even greater level of compassion.
Unfortunately, I am now part of a Club.
The Club of people who have lost a child to death. It does not matter the way that happened, it matters that it has happened…
I am fortunate though, to have a relationship with a number of women who have also lost a precious child. One of my Club members lost 2 children to miscarriage, and yes, that matters because the loss of a child, at any stage of their lives is devastating.
As I have talked with these women, and they have talked with me, it’s been consoling, and helpful. Shared experiences… they open up a different level of understanding.
One of my Club mates shared the word “ Adapt” with me.
The definition of “Adapt” is:
“Become adjusted to new conditions”
“To change as to fit a new situation”
In my last musing, I wrote about great loss as something that you do not get over, you do not move on, there is no healing… and that is absolutely truth. We speak and discuss death and loss in this country in a way that no longer works.
Megan Devine has written, in my opinion, a revolutionary book about death titled “Its’ OK that you’re not OK”.
Another Club mate of mine, referred me to this book which has/is a helpful and passionate discussion on what/how etc to do as you are experiencing the unimaginable loss of someone you love deeply.
There are no rules, there are no timelines, there are no stages of grief…. there is not a neat package or timeline to process through.
Thus, the word “Adapt”…
To me, the woman who shared this with me is wise and right… there is no healing, there is not getting over, there is ADAPTING….
For anyone who is living this reality of loss, be kind to yourself. Your journey is personal, and private and ultimately only you can decide how you choose what you do with each day you are living without your person.
I am grateful for my friend who shared this word with me. I am sorry we are in the same Club… and I am sorry for anyone else who is in this Club. Remember … this journey is yours. How you choose, or how you decide how you go on… you get to Adapt in however it works for you!
Personally, I am Adapting… not because I would choose the new situation and reality of my life, but because Life is precious… that may sound trite, but it is…
No one gets out here alive…
Some leave us way too early…
Every day I wish Anne was here, and that will not change.
Adapting… becoming adjusted to new conditions, changing to fit a new situation…
That’s what I am doing….like it or not.
Thanks for reading,
Pam