Navigating the Storm...

˙Hi,

It’s once again, been a while since I’ve written anything.

I decided today was the day to write again, and share the navigational journey we have been on.

As you know, our beautiful daughter Anne died last year… I still can’t actually believe I am writing those words… and honestly, I probably never will get used to writing those words.

People, although mostly well intentioned, may ask, may wonder, why after a year and almost a month, I am still writing about this topic.

To those who wonder, I can’t explain, actually, there is no way to explain unless you personally have gone through the loss of a child. If you have, then you do not wonder why I will continue to write about this life altering event.

I am not sure how anyone else has/is navigating their reality, I only can speak to how I/we are.

My husband, whom I adore, and I actually physically moved twice.. ( as I shared before along with some crazy car shenanigans). For Bill and I we knew we needed to have a presence close to Patrick and the kids, not to be in their face, not to tell Patrick how to now run his family, but to be there. To be present, to have a place to go to, to have a spot where Megan and Bill can go to see Patrick and the kids… a place that’s a bit of a Saxelby refuge. No hotel, our space… a space we filled with the familiar… and memories of Anne… a place that is home in Brooklyn.

We also moved a second time, keeping the spot in Brooklyn, to North Carolina. We have a cute little place in Raleigh. Why Raleigh? Well, Bill was approached and offered a wonderful professional opportunity… a new exciting challenge. A company based in the Research Triangle working on life changing technologies that will help us all deal with the ever evolving configuration of Covid and respiratory viruses still to come.

My life, our lives, look nothing like I thought they would at this point in our lives. Megan, Bill, Max, Megan our children and their lovely spouses, their lives as well are forever altered.

How do you figure out what to do? How to keep living, how to find a path of peace and renewal?

Notice, I did not say healing. I do not believe you heal from an experience like this, I believe you learn to carry it with you as you continue with life.

Some days, the navigational beacons are calm, like navigating through the beautiful turquoise waters near our home in Islamorada…. and sometimes the navigational beacons are buried … catapulting through hurricane force winds.

No two days are the same, and that’s true for most people’s lives. Yet, when navigating through this storm the weight of what you are trying to carry with you, can pull you under.

When that happens, and it does, I go with the flow. I do not try to fight the current. I let the waves take me where they will.

We’ve, Bill and I, made a lot of changes in our lives this past almost 13 months. For us, that was the path that we chose, to seek new places, to leave the weight of the community that we raised our family in behind. To me, that weight was one thing I could make a choice about, and choose to let it go.

I do not have all the answers, or even a clear vision of how to navigate this journey. What I do have is love… for Anne, for Bill, for our entire family.

My navigation, as I continue to ride this wave, will lead me to where and how I am to continue living my life…

And… one thing I do know, is that I will do it well.

Anne would expect no less from me.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

After The Event...

Hi,

Last week I wrote about When the Impossible Happens… and More.

Thank you to all of you who read it, and a huge thank you to those of you who choose to comment, I appreciate that greatly!

As I noted in my note last week, The Anne Saxelby Legacy Fund was started by Patrick and Myself in October… merely 3 days after Anne died. It was not born easily… it was born out of Grief, Anger, Shouting, and Love…trying to cope with an impossible new reality… trying to add, and not subtract any further… trying to make something beautiful out of something so tragic.

And born it was.

The Anne Saxelby Legacy Fund celebrated it’s first Annual Benefit this past Wednesday Evening… September 14th.

Patrick, Anne’s husband, is truly a force of nature. I know that is one of the reasons Anne loved him. To say he did the impossible may be dramatic, but in all actuality he did.

The Legacy Fund has generated a lot of support, a lot of followers, a lot of people willing to help, and a lot of people who said “Yes!” Yes to being there Wednesday, yes to contributing , yes to cooking, yes to creating, yes to serving, yes to organizing…

Well, you get it… more than a thousand people said “YES!”

I do not know the actual number of people that overtook The Chelsea Market in lower Manhattan Wednesday evening… I do know it was well over 1,000 people on two floors or the Market… and each one of them was there to honor, celebrate and create a continuing fund for the work Anne started and would be so proud of!

Anne was there Wednesday through all the people who were present that evening…

As I have written, navigating Anne’s death, and loss of her physical presence is a journey I wish on no one…

Wednesday… what a joyous gift from everyone who supported the Event… Thank you.

That night, Anne was alive again… bringing people together through the Legacy created to honor her… not just her work and what she did… but the very essence of her being… Love, Character, Kindness, Creating…

THANK YOU EVERYONE TO EVERYONE OF YOU WHO HAS MADE THIS HAPPEN!!!

Thanks for reading…

With love and gratitude,

Pam

When the Impossible Happens... and More...

Hi All,

I have not written in a while.

As usual, I have been thinking. It’s such an immense time in my life… how to process all the change that has occurred.

We are approaching the first year anniversary of loosing our dear, wonderful daughter, Anne. She passed away on October 9th from an unknown heart condition… one that I wonder if we could have affected had we known… just one of the questions I have asked myself besides all the others… like Why? But as anyone who has experienced trauma in your life, that’s often an illusive, if not impossible question to answer.

As many of you know, we have started The Anne Saxelby Legacy Fund in Anne’s honor. This has been a positive way to honor her and also let her children know she is continuing to bring positive energy to the world… I know that although they are 9, 8 and 3 they get it. And, it is important to provide a positive in the light of all the dark that occurs when you loose someone you love.

Our journey, Bill’s and mine this past year, has been one we never could have anticipated or envisioned. Who ever envisions that one of their seemingly healthy children will pre-ceed them in death? That was never a thought in any place in my mind… now, I can come up with lots of other crazy things… but never that.

I do not wish this journey on anyone, even people I dislike… it’s not for the weak.

And, that brings me the the MORE part I added in my title.

I have not always accepted that life is for the large part, out of our personal control. It’s about acting and choosing, being the primarily positive person I am, I thought that working hard, doing good works, thinking of others, living a life of character, or trying to, would make a difference in how my life looked. And, in a lot of ways it has, but /and I have learned and now understand that much of life is out of our immediate control.

Embracing that, has actually been freeing, and aided by some crazy things that happened to Bill and I as we were in the earliest stages of grief. The day after Anne’s services, our car was stolen from in front of our apartment in Brooklyn, and it is not an area where you would anticipate or be concerned that would happen.

Three weeks later, it was found just as the Insurance company was writing us a check… it had been a home for someone… someone had been living in our vehicle. Although I am glad someone found some relief from what must be a tenuous situation for them, we were not interested in owning this vehicle any longer.

We owned another vehicle, so we thought given the current situations in our life, we would just wait and see what might be needed.

Bill and I chose to relocate to Brooklyn, to be closer to the kids, and to be able to have a permanent spot. A place we knew would be good for us, and for our family to be near.

We closed our home in Chicago, and moved to Brooklyn. In the process we had our car shipped to us…. the remaining one… and the day we moved into Brooklyn we got the call that there had been an “incident” with the transport of our vehicle, and could we please call them.

It seems the transport driver had not measured the height of the carrier with our SUV on it, and sheared the top of it off as he went under a bridge in Chicago…

What to do? Bill and I actually just started laughing… no one could make up these stories, and the craziness of it all was the clear moment when I gave up the thought of trying to truly control anything.

Cars, they can be replaced… people can’t. The ability to have these experiences while we were desperately working on holding ourselves together actually helped! I think the absurdity of the whole situation gave us the chance to take a break from our daily grief.

As anyone knows, when you loose someone you love deeply, grief is an individual journey. What is so interesting is that is has to be that way.

I am actually grateful that we had the crazy car diversions during the first months of Anne’s passing… I often wonder if she had a hand in it… to help us…

I never thought the impossible loss of a child would be something our family would have to carry… and carry it you do… each of us… all of us.

If you have people in your life who have this burden to carry, please be kind. Know that there is no time line on grief… there is no getting over, there is Love, and the ability to carry that for your person however that works for you in the continuation of your life journey.

If you’re lucky enough to have people in your life that you love deeply, honor them and tell them you love them every day.

That gives me solace, as Anne knew she was loved… every day.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

WHAT WILL WE DO?

I just reviewed my last blog entry which was a guest post.

I am so saddened…

WHAT WILL WE DO???

What will we do to protect our children from needless deaths and violence while they are just trying to learn, grow and become the future of this country?

When people talk about the second amendment and gun rights, how can they reconcile that premiss with the reality of yesterday?

I believe in individual rights, yet who needs an assault weapon? Why can an 18 year old walk right in and buy one… what about universal background checks? What about how this affects the whole of our future? And the future health of generations of young people who have experienced fear just going to school?

Why is the response to teach kids how to brace under their desks, lock the doors, look for escape instead of addressing the issue of REMOVING THE OPTION FOR ANY OF THIS TO BE NEEDED!!

I reached out to a good friend today who happens to be a lawyer, and a great one at that, who has argued before the Supreme Court… and yes, they are actually now part of the problem with their extreme conservative bent.

Why can’t we agree to protect the most vulnerable of our country by giving them the respect they deserve?

Why don”t we do what Australia did and ban automatic weapons, semi-automatic weapons, create a national firearms registry and make a 28 day long waiting process for gun registry???

Why not also move the legal age to be able to purchase a gun to 21?

WHY NOT MAKE THESE CHANGES TO CREATE SAFE SCHOOL FOR ALL OUR CHILDREN!!!

COME ON PEOPLE!!! BE BRAVE… LETS FIGHT FOR THE KIDS OF THIS COUNTRY…

VOTE, DONATE, SPEAK OUT AND LET’S RAISE OUR COLLECTIVE VOICE!!!

Let’s change this!

Appreciate your reading,

Pam

Guest Blog Post: Healthy Choices, Healthy Kids: A Parents' Guide to Raising Health-Conscious Children

Photo via Pexels

I am sharing this article from Dana Brown, the creator of HealthConditions.info, which aims to provide Internet users with helpful content and resources that will lead them to making healthier decisions.

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Parents have many responsibilities, with one of the most important to raise children to be self-sufficient adults who make healthy choices. Though your offspring may often seem like they’re not listening, you can count on them to observe your actions. Modeling good habits increases the likelihood that they will adopt a healthy lifestyle.

Offer Nutritious Foods

Establish a positive relationship with food. Have nourishing snacks readily available. Avoid using food as rewards or labeling them as “good” or “bad.” Instead, teach children about balanced eating — consuming plenty of nutrient-rich foods, limiting empty calories, and enjoying other foods in moderation.

Invite your kids to participate in menu planning, grocery shopping, and meal prep. Not only does this promote family bonding and teach valuable life skills, but also, research shows that children are more willing to try foods when they’re involved in preparing them.

Limit Caffeine Consumption

Though coffee is the most well-known source of caffeine, the stimulant is found in other drinks and snacks that kids commonly enjoy, including:

• Soda

• Energy drinks

• Chocolate

• Flavored juices

In moderation, caffeine is unlikely to cause harmful effects, but too much can cause symptoms such as upset stomach, increased heart rate, headaches, and shakiness. Children should consume no more than the recommended daily intake for their age group.

Encourage Physical Activity

Exercise does a body good. It helps children to strengthen muscles, develop motor skills, build stamina and maintain a healthy weight. In addition, regular physical activity decreases the risk of childhood diseases, such as obesity and diabetes. Kids ages 6 to 17 should get at least one hour daily of moderately intense physical activity. Motivate your crew to get moving using the following tips:

1. Make it a family affair. Participate in a 5K together, play frisbee at the park or create an obstacle course in your backyard.

2. Opt for active modes of transportation. Walk or bike to get around locally. Take the stairs instead of an elevator.

3. Invite friends to join in the fun. Encourage your kids to start a neighborhood pickup game. Have a pool party. Meet up with other families at the playground.

Monitor Screen Time

The time children and teens spend on screens can amount to a part-time job with kids ages 8 to 12 averaging four to six hours per day on devices. Too much screen time is linked to sleep difficulties, weight problems, poor school performance, and a host of other issues. Quality of technology use is as important as quantity. Unrestricted access may expose young viewers to inappropriate content.

Make screen time a positive experience by setting clear and consistent guidelines. Educate your children about digital literacy to protect their safety and privacy.

Foster a Lifetime Love of Learning

It’s never too early to talk to your children about their hopes for the future and how they can achieve them. Model how they can pursue dreams by chasing your own. Perhaps you’ve put off earning a degree or you’re mulling a new career in early childhood education. A Bachelor of Science in Education degree prepares you to work with preschool and elementary-aged children. Online degree programs offer the flexibility to complete coursework at your own pace while still fulfilling other responsibilities. What better example to set than seeking higher education.

 Don’t worry if you are not always a pillar of healthy living; everyone slips up occasionally. Treat these moments as opportunities to demonstrate self-compassion and resilience. It’s all a part of learning how to lead a long and happy life.

The Conundrum...

Hi all,

Yesterday was the 5 month mark of the death of our daughter, Anne.

I have trouble each month when the 9th comes up.. I think about what she was doing on the 8th…no thought that it would be her last day on this earth… just going about her life… having dinner, walking the dog, kissing her kids good night.

No one could have known, as those events occurred, that that would be the final time…

Now, I am not trying to cast a sullen morbidity about all of this, or a woe is me thought process…

What I am trying to do is talk about the realities of death, and how final it is.

People have said “You can still talk with her”, and I do. However, we all know that is not the same as being able to call someone and have a dialogue… not a one way conversation.

Why do I write? Because I know I am not alone, and am humbled enough to know that my pain is not any greater or any less than others who have to go through this in their lives.

Losing a chid is never easy at any age.

Yes, I am grateful that Anne had 40 years of life, and yes I am grateful for the memories of joy and love that are mine forever…

But… I am heartbroken that that’s it. There is no future, there is only the past.

So, my conundrum is this…

How do I acknowledge this as the reality it is, and still go on with life in a meaningful way?

That’s what I am working on…

Celebrating who Anne was/is … and living with the conundrum of joy and sorrow that permeates my heart.

Yesterday as I was talking with family, this is the new conundrum for each of us…. I am not alone in this.

However, I think about Anne, and who she was… still is in the lasting memories of all that she did, and the change she created through her passions, and her lovely humble, strong, intelligent self…

She would not want us to wallow in grief… she wants me, and those who love her, to continue on with life.

To celebrate life, to make a difference to be change agents, to lead with love.

I am not exactly sure how I will do this…

Each day is a new and different start…

All I know is that I will keep getting up, keep trying, keep living in a way that would make her proud.

She would not give up, and neither will I.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Guest Blog Post: From the Backyard to the Edge of the World: Ideas to Get Your Child Outdoors More

Photo via Pexels

I am sharing this article from Christopher Haymon, who has learned the value of saving and budgeting the hard way. He created Adulting Digest to help others who need help navigating the world of adult finances

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It’s no secret that, in general, kids don’t enjoy as much time outside today as their parents and grandparents did during their childhoods. Rather than engaging in unstructured playtime amid nature, this generation of children is more apt to spend their free time watching TV, playing video games, or browsing social media. This is a natural consequence of technological development, but that doesn’t mean that you have to accept it for your family.

If you’re ready to find ways to get your child to spend more time outdoors, you’ve come to the right place. From backyard activities to family travel ideas, these ideas can get you started.

Benefits of Being Outdoors

Beyond wanting to get your kids outside the house, there are plenty of benefits from spending more time outdoors.

Why Outdoor Play Is Important to Childhood Development

Kids Should Spend at Least Three Hours Outside Every Day, According to Experts

Activities for the Backyard

When you need to stay close to home, there are plenty of ways for children to enjoy being outside in the backyard.

14 Ways to Make Your Backyard Kid-Friendly on a Budget

How to Get Kids Into Gardening

6 DIY Firepit Ideas To Spruce Up Any Backyard

Activities for the Park

When it’s time to travel farther afield, consider family time at local gardens, parks, or enjoying activities like walking, cycling, or running.

11 Tips for Creating an Awesome Treasure Hunt

The Benefits of Walking for Children

4 Tips When Mountain Biking with Your Child

Fun Outdoor Family Trip Ideas

When it’s time to amp up the fun, consider outdoor family adventures for your next vacation.

The Benefits of White Water Rafting for You and Your Family

10 Tips for a Successful Family Camping Trip

Become a Bird Watching Family

Your child doesn’t have to miss out on all the benefits of playing and exploring outdoors. Consider the ideas in this resource list to start planning fun activities for them (and you) to do outside. Whether it’s in the backyard, park, or around the country, there is no shortage of ways to get your child (and the whole family!) outdoors on a regular basis.

What next?

Hi,

The last blog I wrote was all about Life… the part when something tragic happens… you have a new reality… and the Grief that accompanies that …

Now… what next?

I know for myself, and I can only speak for myself, that this is a singular journey. I can not own, or choose anyone else’s journey, Grief is a singular process, no matter what anyone might think to the contrary.

We all talk about support, and support systems which of course, are essential during a time of great loss… and yes, although they are essential and necessary, each one of us has to navigate their own journey.

My personal journey is not the same as anyone else’s.

So, what to do? What next?

Honestly it depends on the day.

I am approaching my 4th month without my daughter. I still can not believe that is my new reality…

Someone asked me the other day how many children I have… and I said 3. Because, no matter the fact that Anne is gone, does not diminish the fact that I still have 3 children… one just happens to be in a different space.

It’s interesting answering that question… I could say I have 2 children, I could say I have 3 children, and one has died…

I could make up a whole lie…

The reality of this journey is, it sucks…..

“It will get better. “ “ Time heals all wounds.” “ She’s in a better place. “ etc… fall flat.

I am not writing today to complain.

I am writing because it helps… it helps me to put my feelings and experience out there.

If anyone else is experiencing loss… I am sorry… if any one of my words help … I am thankful.

So, on to what’s next?

I don’t know…

One foot in front of the other…

Thanks for reading,

Pam