Curious...

Hi All,

I saw a post the other day, and it was all about curiosity over judgement.

The character was Ted Lasso, and he was playing darts with the notorious Rupert.

His quote was from a Walt Whitman piece.

Ted Lasso went on to win the darts game… and of course Rupert reluctantly acknowledged his defeat.

During all of this intense political process… the ads, the rallys, the social media etc… I have been curious as to what affect these have on each of us..

Do they encourage, enrage, inform, create bias, or just annoy?

I am also curious about how we decide.

Is it on a key issue that your choice is made regardless of the person at the head of the ticket?

For me, it’s a women’s right to Reproductive Freedom, that’s my key issue.

And of course because of that, I have voted for Kamala.

As a woman, mother, and grandmother to 3 daughters and 6 granddaughters, their is no other choice… I believe my duty is to protect their right to make their own decisions about their bodies.

What I am curious about, is how women choose to vote otherwise… not judgemental, curious.

As we proceed in these next few weeks, as the election results are known, I’d love to open this discussion and see what we all can learn from each other.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Every day...

Hi All!

Thanks for taking the time to read what I write. It’s valuable to me to know that my words can make a difference.

As you are all well aware of, we lost our oldest Daughter, Anne almost 3 years ago. And as most of you also know, a Legacy Fund was started in her honor to help continue good work in agriculture and the food industry.

Next week on the 19th of September will be the 3rd annual event in Chelsea Market.

I know she is humbled and honored and also most likely, looking over us all as we attend,

I find going to this event lovely and challenging at the same time.

I am so happy that so many people continue to hear her story, yet every single day I wish she was here to tell it.

For those of you who have also experienced the loss of someone you love, and most especially the loss of a child, no matter their age, I know you can relate.

After… what are you supposed to do?

You still have the opportunity to be here … you are still living… you still have choices to make.

Every day I make choices, and I know all of you do too.’

Each day that I live without Anne in my physical life can be so many things!

Some days are really nice now, and I can smile at the memories of her, yet, in the very next moment, like this morning when I was at a Coffee Shop, a song that she loved and played at her wedding comes on and I become melancholy… even teary.

It’s the every day that’s hard.

You can be enjoying your day, and honestly as more time passes I can tell you there is less daily suffering, yet the reality and realization that this is now your truth, is still, and always will be painful.

I have been spending some time talking with someone I love dearly who lost his partner last month.

I have been trying to listen well, and sit next to him. He has said that it helps, but it does not end the suffering and pain he is in…

Actually nothing does.

Every day without your person is a daunting reality.

People do have a lot to say on the topic of death and grief. They are not the same. Death is the physical end of life, Grief is the daily reality that the death of someone you greatly love has occurred.

Each person has their own way and their own process. No one gets to prescribe a Grief pill… or anecdote… it does not exist.

Each day I have to choose what and how I will live my life.

I know that next week, when I will be at Anne’s event, it will be a hell of a mix…

I am so proud of the person she was and all she did in her relatively short adult life.

I know I wish I could walk the event with her, and see her reaction… so I will ask her to be with me, and to present myself well to make her proud.

Loosing someone you love is a perennial affliction that you decide every day how to carry with you.

I hope that on the 19th many people will come to enjoy great food and great people.

I hate that Anne won’t be there.. but yet, I know she will be.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Hunting Peace

Hi…

I was thinking this morning as I was working out, that peace is such a lovely feeling.

I was peaceful at that moment as I was enjoying a show I like while I was on the treadmill… I don’t know what it says about me and peace, but I was watching a suspense series that I like.

Peace is such an interesting word.

The world is constantly looking for peace… and not quite finding it.

I liken myself to that continual search.

The world finds moments when we are in fewer conflicts than at other times. Times when we can see the possibility of a more welcoming and inviting place.

I am wondering if finding your new path after the loss of a loved one is similar?

All that I share here is very personal to me, and is not intended to be any kind of a mandate or guide. It’s more a raw sharing of my personal evolution.

I am evolving.

Each day is a new experience of living without Anne in my life. Not only is she not in my life, she’s not in my husbands life, or her husbands life, or her children’s lives, or her siblings lives, or her friends’ lives, or her extended family’s lives, or even in the lives of her customers, and the professionals she loved working with.

Sometimes I wonder how this can be? How can she not be here?

I still find it impossible to understand, and I now know that I never will.

Anne had two heart variants. We, our entire family, has worked and is working with the medical professionals in our respected areas. We have people helping us in New York, in Atlanta, in Texas and now in North Carolina at the prestigious Duke Hospital System to see if we can unravel this.

What we have learned is that these variants at this point are not causal, but informative.

That may change as science uncovers more, and continues to try to solve the puzzle of Anne’s death.

Finding peace is also complicated in that process.

Facts and information are valuable, yet in hunting for this information, it was determined that I am the carrier of those two variants and so passed them to her.

When I first learned that, I was horrified. I wondered if because of my genetics did my daughter die?

At this point the answer is no… they are of indeterminate significance.

But…they are still present.

Hunting for peace is made harder at times for me as a result of this information.

I believe I have shared that years ago I picked up the book “The Road Less Traveled.” I am continually seeking knowledge and perspective on life and living. The first line of the book is “Life is Difficult.” Because of where I was at in my life at that time, I never read the book. What I was seeking then was a guide to thinking and living with positivity and the impact that can provide as we live.

What I failed to understand is that sentence is absolutely true.

Life is difficult… And Life is also many other things.

Our life journey will encompass many types of experiences and outcomes. Some will be difficult, some will be wonderful, some will be a bit of both.

Our lives are full of feelings and happenings.

What I am personally discovering with each day that I live without my Anne, is that life is just a bit more difficult and a little less sweet.

It is not without joy, or love, or fun or laughter.

It will, however, always be a little less.

Even though that is my truth, I will keep hunting for peace.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Hermitting and Sneakiness...

Hi…

It takes me some time to think about what to share.

I have noticed as I continue to post, that not everyone wants to hear about my journey… and that’s ok!

Each of us have a life journey, and we decide how best to handle and live that journey.

I know you all know that our daughter Anne died unexpectedly… that out of order death. I believe these types of deaths have a different, not worse impact, than others.

Now death… that’s a subject, and experience we will all have.

The saying, as I have shared before, is that none of us get out of here alive.

Some death, like a death of a parent later in life, or a grandparent is more expected than the death of a child.

Being more expected due to life and the length of life does not make the experience any easier, it can though, be more expected.

However, all death is daunting…. someone you know or love or care about, is no longer here.

Each of us has different ways of handling our loss experiences, and that is one thing I truly believe is a right we all have just because we are humans. And each of us, no matter how closely related we are, have our own unique DNA.

My DNA has led me to write and try to make my experience something people can learn from, or at least gain a different perspective from.

I have always been a weeney…. I do not like change, or loss, and tried to avoid it a lot in my earlier life.

But, no matter how I might have tried to have a modicum of control over my life, I continued to realize that is not possible.

We all have the option to control some things, like decisions we make… but often even those are or need to be considered in the context of a larger setting.

I find myself today sitting at a quaint library in Leesville, North Carolina.

I absolutely never thought I would live in North Carolina, yet, here I am.

As I write today, I am attempting to share what happens to me at certain times as I continue life without Anne physically in it.

There is young woman I follow on Instagram who lost her husband as he was out on a bike ride… random, sudden and ever life changing.

She spoke a week or so ago about the difference between Grief and Suffering.

That’s why I titled my Blog today the way I did.

When the suffering of Grief sneaks up on me like a stealth weapon, I choose to retreat to my hermit phase.

And that’s the interesting part!

You can be doing better, and not suffering… and then BAM… the pain sneaks up and grabs you.

Yes, Anne has been dead for 2 plus years… a speck of time actually in terms of the cosmos…

As I continue to navigate my new life reality, I do know that time makes suffering less constant… BUT never the Grief of your loss.

Grief does not leave you…. suffering can….

I love Anne every day, and try my best to honor her through how I am living my life…

Some days are easier… less suffering… and some days are really, really hard… the pain of her not being here, the pain of not being able to call her up, or hug her or laugh with her sucks the life out of me.

On those days, I choose hermitting …. not sure if that is a dictionary word… but it is a life choice that I do need when Grief and the suffering it brings, sneaks up on me.

Thanks for reading…I appreciate it.

Pam

It's been a minute...

Hi all,

Its been a minute since I have written anything…

Since Anne died, I keep trying to find my way in my new life.

I tried, as I shared with you, to take a class about Grief and hoped to learn about changing the conversation about what Grief is ,and how we go on after a life changing loss.

I started the class, feeling emboldened to learn and gain insight…. But, the second class in, after talking about Grief for over 90 minutes my soul could not continue… I had to go lay on the couch.

It was at this time I knew I had to pivot.

What I thought was going to be a mission to provide clarity and new langauge around Grief sucked the energy out of me.

Anne will be gone three years this October. And, there is not a day goes by that I don’t miss her… it’s an empty spot in my heart. Like I shared, it’s akin to being a 3 legged dog… you can still get around, but you limp.

As I thought about what to share today, I realized that what I want people to know, is that sometimes I feel like I am aimlessly drifting on a giant ocean… I can not see the shore nor the next wave… but I know they are there.

I don’t know if any of you who have also suffered great loss have had this, but I feel like my brain is in a fog… sometimes the fog clears, and sometimes I just choose to let it be and realize that’s ok for now, that is where I am at.

I do not try to fight my feelings, I choose to lean in…

I have learned a great deal in the last 3 years (almost) about the tenacity of the human spirit.

We all handle life and what it brings to us in our own way. That is likely the most important point I have internalized… each person’s life is their’s to lead.

So, when I am aimlessly wandering around, either physically or in my head, I don’t fight it.

Sometimes I spend days being quite energized … and sometimes I lie on the couch and read …. and I don’t feel weird or guilty about any of that.

I have become a great library patron once again. Now that I know where it is and have gotten a library card… so like when I was 5 and thrilled with the possibility of being able to take out any book I wanted!

Today, I am at the library… I returned the last book I had checked out, and am going to take 3 more out.

I have also resumed my ability to read quickly… although when I am experiencing a brain fog day, I may have to re-read. I just accept that, and know it won’t last.

I also like to use that library as my place to write these pieces. It makes me feel connected to words, and to the power they have.

I am not saying that my words are as powerful as the scholars whose books are also in this space, I am saying that I know words have power. They can help, they can hurt , they can entertain and they can provide an outlet for respite.

For all of you that read what I write and comment on the words I use, I thank you.

I hope that in reading my posts you gain insight into the process of continuing to live after great loss.

Each one of us will do it differently… and that is the most important thing I learned from my short class engagement…. there is no right and no wrong way.

There are however wrong words to use. So please be careful in what you choose to say to someone who is in the life process of loss.

Your perspective is just that… YOURS.

Give them the Grace to do it their way.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Carrying on..

Hi All,

It’s been a truly humbling experience these last few weeks.

As many of you know, our family began the https://www.annesaxelbylegacyfund.org/ shortly after Anne died. It was born from the desire to keep Anne’s legacy alive, and in doing so, honor her and her life’s mission to make a difference and do what she loved.

In the past 3 years much has evolved.

The first year of the Legacy fund, we sent 33 young people to a wholly funded paid apprenticeship. Last year, our second year, we increased that number to 66, and this year our third year, we are sending 100 people.

It’s been such a rewarding, and of course hard process to be able to make this happen.

The first year, honestly, it was quite challenging for me, and perhaps even more so the second year.

The reality that this good work we were attempting to do was because Anne was no longer here, was at times, quite daunting for me.

I know that in talking with our growing staff and groups of wonderful people involved now in Anne’s Legacy fund, sometimes the reality of why we are doing this is not front and center for them. And…that is a good thing, because we need people who see the value of what we are doing, and want to help us grow and be successful.

That in itself is marvelous.

This third year, I can honestly say, is the first year I am able to read through all the amazing applications we received with more joy than sadness.

As those of you know who have experienced great loss, this journey of navigating Grief is tricky. And so for me, I am grateful to be able to feel the joy in our purpose. The chance to talk with so many young people who are motivated and inspired by Anne and her story gives me great joy, and I absolutely know that she feels the same way.

When someone you love dies unexpectedly, in an out of order fashion, life turns upside down. The world as you knew it is forever altered.

Carrying on is what we are managing. Healing, I don’t know if that is possible or even desirable for that then treats your Grief as a disease… and Grief is not that. Learning to carry what can not be fixed, that is the realistic and healthy goal.

As I had the chance to read through 500 applications during our selection committee meetings, I realized we are doing it!

We have made Anne’s life, her essence, her work tangible to others. In doing that, we are carrying one. Helping make a difference in this world in a positive and hopefully life changing way. Not just for the apprentices , but for the farms and communities they touch.

We’re sending a piece of Anne along with them to every place they go… and in doing that we are honoring her in a way that I know is valuable and makes her proud.

When you loose someone, the challenge to find your way to carry on is the substance of how you now live your forever altered life.

I hope all of you find your way…

Thanks for taking the time to read this,

Pam

Keep Calm... oh wait.. NO!

Hi all,

Last week I started my class with Megan Devine about how to change the way we talk about Grief.

It was so enlightening and gave me pause to understand how/why it’s so difficult for any of us to discuss.

First, in Western Society we treat Grief as a a disease. Something to be gotten rid of, and even in the new Psych manuals, Grief is listed as a disorder especially if it’s considered to be lasting too long.

Who decided that?

And that is the issue.

I can vouch for myself that before we lost Anne I too did not know how to discuss it.

I lost both of my parents, and that was horrible, yet expected… so when I went through that, the normal platitudes sufficed.

After loosing Anne, they just no longer worked.

As I learn more, I will share with you.

My mission in taking this class is to help begin a new conversation about Grief … take away some of the terror we all feel when we try to figure out how to help ourselves, and someone we love.

Grief is thought of as one of the Dark Emotions… something to be avoided at all costs.

And yet, none of us will avoid it in our lives, and some will have more experiences with it than others.

We find Grief so terrifying that we work to forget it and strive not to talk about it.

I used the phrase at the beginning “Keep Calm…”. During our first session, Megan Devine used this phrase an an example of how history has handled Grief… the idea of a stiff upper lip, literally soldier on. This phrase is from WWII… when the British people were being bombed daily.

The idea was to repress and not discuss… keep moving forward…

To some people, this is still the favored response. Repress, repress, repress.

The problem with doing that though, is your Grief does not go away… it just gets buried. And in being buried, rots inside you.

What I am learning is that though many of us are good intentioned, we do not allow a comfort zone for Grief discussion.

I can admit to that myself, when it affected others in my past. I wanted to move through it quickly, and in doing so, I know I was not a good assist to anyone who might have needed me.

Grief is sooooooooo uncomfortable. It is not something any of us go looking for.

Grief makes us nervous, and anxious and by that very essence, we want to get rid of it…

But… Grief does not go away. It can not be fixed, it can not be lost, it doesn’t leave.

And that is why it’s so very necessary to find a helpful way to live with it.

To be able to feel comfortable speaking your truth, that is what we need to strive for.

When we learn to live with the discomfort of the reality of Grief and invite honest conversation, that is when we begin to help grieving people.

I am excited to learn more in these next few weeks, and months.

And if anything I say here or share is helpful or enlightening or offers a new way of thinking about Grief, I am glad,

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Signs...

Hi all!

I wish everyone a great day today. Why not?

I have been contemplating what I am going to be doing in this next part of my life, and shared that with all of you.

I have recently been talking with someone I met through our daughter, Megan. He is a lovely, kind man, who’s journey has taken him into the profession of helping others. He lost his partner a number of years ago, and since then, has chosen to use his life to bring education and peace to others.

I was talking with him the other day, and I had been thinking about how I would use what I am going to be learning through the course I will be starting in just a few weeks.

We talked about Anne of course, as he knew her and understands my desire to help others in the conversations we have about Grief in this country.

I have said before, and restate my thoughts here, that to begin to understand how loss affects us, we need to be able to have shared conversation and open discussion. We need to have a new vocabulary and shared knowledge of what and how to do that.

Grief should not be a taboo subject, because all of us will experience Grief at some point in our lives. Some will be expected if a long illness proceeds a person’s passing, and some will not. It will come right out of the blue… one minute… and your whole universe is upended.

Either way, the loss is real.

I think we forget that … LOSS IS REAL.

I know at the beginning of my Grief journey, I would wake up, if I had been able to sleep, and wonder if my loss was only a bad dream, one that I would wake up from.

That is the part that I now understand is what makes Grief so damn hard. Your LOSS IS PERMANENT.

Love and Grief live side by side. If you dare to love … you dare to grieve.

In my journey I am learning and experiencing new things, and new ways of being.

I find that Anne is with me often.

I have always been a spiritual person, not a religious person, but a spiritual one.

Each and every one of us will decide how we believe, or choose not to believe.

I choose to believe that there is more to this universe than just the physical … that life is energy… and when the physical is gone, energy still lives.

I have always been open to thinking about life as multi dimensional … just because we can not physically see… does not mean it does not exist.

Like your thoughts… you can not see them, but you know they are there.

So I propose to all of you, that you open yourself to seeing… seeing in a new way.

My friend sent me a book called “Signs”. We were being quite open with each other about how we are and where we are in our Grief journeys.

I have shared with my close family and friends that I am so grateful to receive signs of Anne, and her life energy all around me.

I am choosing to share and speak, make myself vulnerable and put this out to the universe because I know I am not the only one who will experience this gift…

There is now a beautiful White Heron that comes to see us whenever we are at our home in Florida… and not just us … good friends were just staying at our home… Our Heron came to see them every day.

Signs are there for all of us, not just from our loved ones who have had to move on.. but from the universe and life itself.

I am choosing to be bold… look around you… open your hearts, souls and minds…

Peace will follow…

We are going to Florida tomorrow… and I smile knowing our Heron will be waiting.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Flummoxed ???

Hi,

Ok.. so I know that some people probably start to get tired of hearing how I am learning to carry my grief about Anne.

And… so that’s the point here.

Sometimes I am so caught off guard by my feelings…

When I write these pieces, I am usually trying to offer some sense of shared experience, or idea on how to help your friends or people you know, deal with their grief.

Today, I am writing to say that it is just damn hard!

I am not trying to be a baby whiner ( a term my family uses) I am just trying to help others understand the soul sucking intensity of realizing every day, that your person is no longer here.

Now, I have and do see Anne, and feel her presence often… yet, although that can be beautiful, it can also be intense… of course joyful and then a longing… a longing to be able to pick up the phone, to hug her, to know that I will see her in a few weeks or days when we head to Brooklyn.

And that is the part that people do not understand unless they too have lost a child.

I know when I lost my parents, that I felt a deep, intense loss…

Yet, when Anne died, a part of me died too.

Thats just how it is…

I have a painting of a three legged dog now, cause that’s what living without Anne is like, We all go on, but there is a forever piece missing . You can keep walking, and keep moving, and keep living, but part of you has been eternally removed… and there is no way to fix that.

Grief and loss are so complicated. As I said in my last post… I am going to take a course, and I am hopeful that will give me further tools to keep living my life in a positive way. For myself, and as a tribute to Anne and for our whole family.

It’s not my job to be a role model. To anyone reading this, or anyone I know.

People say things like, ‘I hope you find healing”…

I know that every person has great intentions., it’s just that Grief is sooo damn hard.

As I move on, move forward, live my life, there is no moment that Anne will be in it. She is in my past, and I want so deeply to have her in my future… but that will never happen.

Her physical self is not here, and will not be again.

That’s the part that sneaks up on you… every day forward she is not here… and it is a Motherfu#%r!

I wrote this now for me… I needed an outlet today… a way to try and integrate my new reality.

Yes, it’s been 2 years and almost 4 months….

And that is the part that is so challenging… life will never be as it was… my person is gone.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

So... a New Year... a new Journey.

Hi all!

A brand new year… just like that, 2023 is in the past.

Every year at this time I ponder what I dream of for this new year. And as we all know, manifesting our dreams is a mindset.

Dreams… hopes… goals as we start each new year… they bring a sense of excitement and hopefulness.

One of the dreams I have always had is to help people.

When I was in High School they had us take one of those aptitude tests that offers insight into your personal strengths and areas of interest for what you might choose to study and follow a passion as you navigate the next part of your life.

For me, that next part of my life, was college.

I was the first one in my family to be offered that opportunity… and even though I was a bit terrified at journeying out, I was also really excited about learning, taking classes ( I have always loved school I’m a bit of a geek…:) discovering what I was going to grow up to do!

I think, given that I graduated from High School in 1974, I had some different freedoms than women who had preceded me , even by just 5 years.

I though about classes… and wondered what I could truly excel at. I already knew it wasn’t math… but I had always thought about helping others… and so psychology was something I pondered, as was education. Both had shown up on that High School aptitude test, as areas of strength.

After my fist semester I realized that psychology was not exactly what I thought it would be. It included quite a bit of math, including predictions and probability.

I am a bit of a perfectionist so when the midterm grades came out, and I was pushing a C at best… I bailed!

However, as I pivoted into Education, and was able to take adolescent psychology and child psychology, I realized that I was going to be able to make a difference by educating kids, and through that path, give them opportunities to find their best selves!

I truly enjoyed teaching… and through the variety of age groups I worked with, I was able to touch so many lives… little to big.

When my husband and I had out first child, Anne, I chose to stay home… and honestly at that time, I was in the minority of my friends.

Young women had the choice to follow a career path where they got to make more of their own decisions on what that would be,

I do not regret that choice. I know that even when I was pulling my hair out, I still wanted to be, along with my husband, the biggest influencers in their lives.

Now, all these years later, especially after loosing Anne prematurely, I am even more grateful that I made that choice and had that time.

The chance to influence your children, to guide them, to help them be who they are supposed to be, is so wonderful.

For me, that was my best gift.

Each of us has choices to make, and choosing is hard. There is absolutely no perfect plan or perfect choice.

I realize now, as I am obviously much further along in my life’s journey, that choosing, is always part of life.

We do not know what will present and what we will have to deal with in our lives.

As I begin this new year, I am going to learn and put myself back into a learning environment.

After Anne died, I was given a book entitled “It’s OK that You’re Not OK” by Megan Devine.

I am choosing to start a new journey, one that I hope will allow me the opportunity to help others who have the devastating loss of a loved one.

I will be taking a course that she is offering that I hope will give me both knowledge and grace.

Knowledge to be informed, and grace to be able to sit next to someone who is grieving.

I hope to help change how we talk about and “do” grief in this country.

I hope to help continue the conversation that there is no right or wrong way to grieve….

It’s personal to and for each and every one of us.

As I learn, I will share with you.

I know, in my soul, that Anne will be accompanying me and guiding me on this new journey. She’s my guiding light….

Thanks for reading,

Pam