Hi,
I never actually know when it feels like the time to write something new…it just happens.
Like today.
Today is the day a friend of mine’s adult son died. I am not going to say “passed away”. He died.
There’s no sugar coating death. It’s real, and permanent.
So, as I was writing to her, and hoping to use words that would provide kinship, or solace or both, I realized that as much as our society would like to make this easier, you just can not.
My friend’s son has been gone for 3 years… Anne almost 20 months… and time does provide some distance… yet the feelings never go away.
I find now that some days I can spend a lot of the day being engaged in life again. Finding joy, and yes happiness with the people I love, and the experiences of that day.
I can smile, I can laugh, I can find joy… yet there is always the surprise…
I feel her presence, her spirit, her essence in a variety of ways, and often. I find myself looking for her…
And yes, Life does go on, but it’s going on with a new rhythm… like when you hear a song, but hear something new or different in it’s melody, one you didn’t hear before.
And, it’s interesting how it’s always there.
I went to a wedding recently. Sooo happy for the wonderful couple that was celebrating. And it’s during those situations, that you get the surprise … not prepared for what someone chooses to bring up.
I had that happen… and that’s the tricky part of immersing yourself again in life…
You never know when you might get tripped up by someone who says something …
And when that happens, you are right there… again.
I guess that’s the part I want to share.
Loosing someone you love is never, ever easy. Loosing a child is impossible.
I write these posts for myself, and for sharing my reality. It’s messy…
And as I continue to learn, there’s no way out of the mess.
There are times when I can live quietly with my grief… carrying my loss of my Anne differently than others…because everyone who has lost a child has to learn to carry that loss their way.
Today, trying to share words with my friend… trying to provide comfort in the shared kinship we share, is both horrible and wonderful.
Horrible because our children are no longer on this earth…
Wonderful because they were here, and we got to love them every day they were.
Always love…. ever, and always, and forever.
Love always lasts.
Thanks for reading,
Pam