Hi…
It takes me some time to think about what to share.
I have noticed as I continue to post, that not everyone wants to hear about my journey… and that’s ok!
Each of us have a life journey, and we decide how best to handle and live that journey.
I know you all know that our daughter Anne died unexpectedly… that out of order death. I believe these types of deaths have a different, not worse impact, than others.
Now death… that’s a subject, and experience we will all have.
The saying, as I have shared before, is that none of us get out of here alive.
Some death, like a death of a parent later in life, or a grandparent is more expected than the death of a child.
Being more expected due to life and the length of life does not make the experience any easier, it can though, be more expected.
However, all death is daunting…. someone you know or love or care about, is no longer here.
Each of us has different ways of handling our loss experiences, and that is one thing I truly believe is a right we all have just because we are humans. And each of us, no matter how closely related we are, have our own unique DNA.
My DNA has led me to write and try to make my experience something people can learn from, or at least gain a different perspective from.
I have always been a weeney…. I do not like change, or loss, and tried to avoid it a lot in my earlier life.
But, no matter how I might have tried to have a modicum of control over my life, I continued to realize that is not possible.
We all have the option to control some things, like decisions we make… but often even those are or need to be considered in the context of a larger setting.
I find myself today sitting at a quaint library in Leesville, North Carolina.
I absolutely never thought I would live in North Carolina, yet, here I am.
As I write today, I am attempting to share what happens to me at certain times as I continue life without Anne physically in it.
There is young woman I follow on Instagram who lost her husband as he was out on a bike ride… random, sudden and ever life changing.
She spoke a week or so ago about the difference between Grief and Suffering.
That’s why I titled my Blog today the way I did.
When the suffering of Grief sneaks up on me like a stealth weapon, I choose to retreat to my hermit phase.
And that’s the interesting part!
You can be doing better, and not suffering… and then BAM… the pain sneaks up and grabs you.
Yes, Anne has been dead for 2 plus years… a speck of time actually in terms of the cosmos…
As I continue to navigate my new life reality, I do know that time makes suffering less constant… BUT never the Grief of your loss.
Grief does not leave you…. suffering can….
I love Anne every day, and try my best to honor her through how I am living my life…
Some days are easier… less suffering… and some days are really, really hard… the pain of her not being here, the pain of not being able to call her up, or hug her or laugh with her sucks the life out of me.
On those days, I choose hermitting …. not sure if that is a dictionary word… but it is a life choice that I do need when Grief and the suffering it brings, sneaks up on me.
Thanks for reading…I appreciate it.
Pam