Hi,
Ok.. so I know that some people probably start to get tired of hearing how I am learning to carry my grief about Anne.
And… so that’s the point here.
Sometimes I am so caught off guard by my feelings…
When I write these pieces, I am usually trying to offer some sense of shared experience, or idea on how to help your friends or people you know, deal with their grief.
Today, I am writing to say that it is just damn hard!
I am not trying to be a baby whiner ( a term my family uses) I am just trying to help others understand the soul sucking intensity of realizing every day, that your person is no longer here.
Now, I have and do see Anne, and feel her presence often… yet, although that can be beautiful, it can also be intense… of course joyful and then a longing… a longing to be able to pick up the phone, to hug her, to know that I will see her in a few weeks or days when we head to Brooklyn.
And that is the part that people do not understand unless they too have lost a child.
I know when I lost my parents, that I felt a deep, intense loss…
Yet, when Anne died, a part of me died too.
Thats just how it is…
I have a painting of a three legged dog now, cause that’s what living without Anne is like, We all go on, but there is a forever piece missing . You can keep walking, and keep moving, and keep living, but part of you has been eternally removed… and there is no way to fix that.
Grief and loss are so complicated. As I said in my last post… I am going to take a course, and I am hopeful that will give me further tools to keep living my life in a positive way. For myself, and as a tribute to Anne and for our whole family.
It’s not my job to be a role model. To anyone reading this, or anyone I know.
People say things like, ‘I hope you find healing”…
I know that every person has great intentions., it’s just that Grief is sooo damn hard.
As I move on, move forward, live my life, there is no moment that Anne will be in it. She is in my past, and I want so deeply to have her in my future… but that will never happen.
Her physical self is not here, and will not be again.
That’s the part that sneaks up on you… every day forward she is not here… and it is a Motherfu#%r!
I wrote this now for me… I needed an outlet today… a way to try and integrate my new reality.
Yes, it’s been 2 years and almost 4 months….
And that is the part that is so challenging… life will never be as it was… my person is gone.
Thanks for reading,
Pam