Hi all,
Its been a minute since I have written anything…
Since Anne died, I keep trying to find my way in my new life.
I tried, as I shared with you, to take a class about Grief and hoped to learn about changing the conversation about what Grief is ,and how we go on after a life changing loss.
I started the class, feeling emboldened to learn and gain insight…. But, the second class in, after talking about Grief for over 90 minutes my soul could not continue… I had to go lay on the couch.
It was at this time I knew I had to pivot.
What I thought was going to be a mission to provide clarity and new langauge around Grief sucked the energy out of me.
Anne will be gone three years this October. And, there is not a day goes by that I don’t miss her… it’s an empty spot in my heart. Like I shared, it’s akin to being a 3 legged dog… you can still get around, but you limp.
As I thought about what to share today, I realized that what I want people to know, is that sometimes I feel like I am aimlessly drifting on a giant ocean… I can not see the shore nor the next wave… but I know they are there.
I don’t know if any of you who have also suffered great loss have had this, but I feel like my brain is in a fog… sometimes the fog clears, and sometimes I just choose to let it be and realize that’s ok for now, that is where I am at.
I do not try to fight my feelings, I choose to lean in…
I have learned a great deal in the last 3 years (almost) about the tenacity of the human spirit.
We all handle life and what it brings to us in our own way. That is likely the most important point I have internalized… each person’s life is their’s to lead.
So, when I am aimlessly wandering around, either physically or in my head, I don’t fight it.
Sometimes I spend days being quite energized … and sometimes I lie on the couch and read …. and I don’t feel weird or guilty about any of that.
I have become a great library patron once again. Now that I know where it is and have gotten a library card… so like when I was 5 and thrilled with the possibility of being able to take out any book I wanted!
Today, I am at the library… I returned the last book I had checked out, and am going to take 3 more out.
I have also resumed my ability to read quickly… although when I am experiencing a brain fog day, I may have to re-read. I just accept that, and know it won’t last.
I also like to use that library as my place to write these pieces. It makes me feel connected to words, and to the power they have.
I am not saying that my words are as powerful as the scholars whose books are also in this space, I am saying that I know words have power. They can help, they can hurt , they can entertain and they can provide an outlet for respite.
For all of you that read what I write and comment on the words I use, I thank you.
I hope that in reading my posts you gain insight into the process of continuing to live after great loss.
Each one of us will do it differently… and that is the most important thing I learned from my short class engagement…. there is no right and no wrong way.
There are however wrong words to use. So please be careful in what you choose to say to someone who is in the life process of loss.
Your perspective is just that… YOURS.
Give them the Grace to do it their way.
Thanks for reading,
Pam