Hi…
I was thinking this morning as I was working out, that peace is such a lovely feeling.
I was peaceful at that moment as I was enjoying a show I like while I was on the treadmill… I don’t know what it says about me and peace, but I was watching a suspense series that I like.
Peace is such an interesting word.
The world is constantly looking for peace… and not quite finding it.
I liken myself to that continual search.
The world finds moments when we are in fewer conflicts than at other times. Times when we can see the possibility of a more welcoming and inviting place.
I am wondering if finding your new path after the loss of a loved one is similar?
All that I share here is very personal to me, and is not intended to be any kind of a mandate or guide. It’s more a raw sharing of my personal evolution.
I am evolving.
Each day is a new experience of living without Anne in my life. Not only is she not in my life, she’s not in my husbands life, or her husbands life, or her children’s lives, or her siblings lives, or her friends’ lives, or her extended family’s lives, or even in the lives of her customers, and the professionals she loved working with.
Sometimes I wonder how this can be? How can she not be here?
I still find it impossible to understand, and I now know that I never will.
Anne had two heart variants. We, our entire family, has worked and is working with the medical professionals in our respected areas. We have people helping us in New York, in Atlanta, in Texas and now in North Carolina at the prestigious Duke Hospital System to see if we can unravel this.
What we have learned is that these variants at this point are not causal, but informative.
That may change as science uncovers more, and continues to try to solve the puzzle of Anne’s death.
Finding peace is also complicated in that process.
Facts and information are valuable, yet in hunting for this information, it was determined that I am the carrier of those two variants and so passed them to her.
When I first learned that, I was horrified. I wondered if because of my genetics did my daughter die?
At this point the answer is no… they are of indeterminate significance.
But…they are still present.
Hunting for peace is made harder at times for me as a result of this information.
I believe I have shared that years ago I picked up the book “The Road Less Traveled.” I am continually seeking knowledge and perspective on life and living. The first line of the book is “Life is Difficult.” Because of where I was at in my life at that time, I never read the book. What I was seeking then was a guide to thinking and living with positivity and the impact that can provide as we live.
What I failed to understand is that sentence is absolutely true.
Life is difficult… And Life is also many other things.
Our life journey will encompass many types of experiences and outcomes. Some will be difficult, some will be wonderful, some will be a bit of both.
Our lives are full of feelings and happenings.
What I am personally discovering with each day that I live without my Anne, is that life is just a bit more difficult and a little less sweet.
It is not without joy, or love, or fun or laughter.
It will, however, always be a little less.
Even though that is my truth, I will keep hunting for peace.
Thanks for reading,
Pam