It always matters....

Hello,


I want to say that in this short but succinct post, parenting never ends.  It matters not what age your children are.  They are always your children.  You continually want the best for them, however that looks.  You want them to find their own way well, and you want them to find all the pieces of life that truly matter....  Life, Health, Meaningful Work, Friendship and Love.

That's it.....

Until next time,
Pam

A Conundrum

Hello...


A Conundrum.   I looked up the definition of the word.  I wanted to make sure that if I put myself out there I had it right.  I did.  The word conundrum is a noun.  It means "riddle or hard question".  Here goes.

This morning I was sitting thinking about my kids, well actually our kids, but for the sake of this effort, my kids.  Our youngest daughter had been in for the weekend.  One of her best friends got married on Saturday.  She was in the wedding and we were invited to be part of the celebration.  ( First, that is a conundrum itself...how did Bill and I get to be friends of the parents?????)  We had a really nice time.  I got to have her all to myself for a bit on Friday afternoon before her duties and obligations as Maid of Honor began, and before all of the wedding festivities.   The wedding was lovely and fun.  Bill and I got to see some of Megan's best friends and spend time with them as well.   It was nice to be included and even complimented that Megan's friends enjoy our company.   Then it was Sunday.  I had to give Meg a hug and put her on a plane back to her life in Cleveland.  A Conundrum.

After Bill and I dropped Megan off we decided to Face Time our oldest daughter Anne.  She answered the call and we got to chat for a few minutes with her and her husband, Patrick.   We got to see Max, our grandson, chatting and playing and rolling around.  It was fun to see all of that....BUT it was on the phone.  A second Conundrum.

This morning, Monday, I texted our youngest.  I have not talked live with him for two weeks.  I did the Mom thing, I used guilt!  I said texting and all of that was fine, but I needed to have a conversation.  A real live voice on the phone, a sharing of experiences and ideas.  My guilting him worked.  We had a lovely conversation and got caught up on what has been happening in his and our new Megan Saxelby's lives.
  A third Conundrum.

I am pretty sure that if we had more kids, I would have more conundrums.

So, why the conundrum?  I went back and re-read the six premises I originally suggested about my philosophy on parenting 4 years ago.  Here is the list:

First,  Love unconditionally.  Well, that is all well and good, but how about the fact that sometimes I would like to have them conditionally...like live closer, and have weekly dinners and chat every day?

Second, Be the Parent.   Well, except when I want what I want, like spending more time live and chatting live and not putting people on planes.

Third, Use the Scary Word "No".  Ok,
except don't use that word on me.  

Fourth,  Do not try to create the child in your image.   Except when I want them to know exactly what I want and hope they have ESP and call me because I miss them.

Five,  Help them find their way.   I agree, but sometimes I don't like it!

Six,  Do No Harm.   Does guilt count?


There.   That is my Conundrum.  I admit openly and clearly and honestly that I really do think all six of those ideas are important and have merit.

Just maybe not on a dreary Monday when I would love to have coffee with Anne and hug Max, and meet Billy for a beer, and have Megan over for dinner, well actually have Anne, Patrick, Max, Billy, Megan and Megan over for dinner.

Just sayin.....


Until next time,

A partial impostor

Pam








Two Women a Baby and a Bug....



Hello!


Last time I wrote anything, I was anticipating great adventures.  Three generations crossing the Atlantic.  A quest to the great International Cheese Festival in Bra, Italy, not actually the Holy Grail, but close!

I was not sure what to expect!  I did know that there were two grownups and one baby and that the odds were in our favor!  I also knew that my daughter was and is fearless, that she was excited about the chance to take Max to new places.  I knew we would meet new people and experience new things, that Max loved people and loved being with his Mommy and I loved being with them, so we would be good.

When we arrived, after an overnight flight, which Max slept through, but we did not, we found our guide, she guided us to our rental car, we figured out the navigation system (by we I mean Anne) and took off.  We did not know that we actually should have gotten some Euros at the airport because even though we had American dollars and American credit cards, we did not have what we needed to pay the tolls on the toll roads, of which we encountered our first one very quickly.  We pulled up, tried our best to pay the toll, and then honked our horn a lot until a man appeared out of a tunnel and asked us what the #$% was wrong with us?  We talked to him ( and again by we I mean Anne) in fluent French and explained that we were sorry but we only had American money and American credit cards.  I think he may have thought bad things about us, but thankfully Anne is cute and we had a cute baby and she spoke French.  He gave us Euros to pay the toll, more Euros for the next one, and then told us where to get off to find an ATM so we could actually get our own Euros...whew...first problem averted. Onward!

We found our way to the ATM, enjoyed a beautiful drive down the mountain, got our own Euros and drove back up the mountain to our first destination, Verduno, which was our home base while in Italy.  We thought the drive would be about two hours, three and a half hours later, we arrived.   The site for our stay, this lovely little village, was in the vineyards and hilltops ten minutes outside of Bra where the cheese festival was held.  We were grateful to have arrived, solved a few more problems, like the fact that neither of our cell phones worked, even after numerous calls to the provider of paid for cell service, which shall remained unnamed, cause who knows who actually reads this stuff that I write, and were able to let all interested parties know we had found our way, and were not lost somewhere along the Mediterranean Sea.  We then proceeded to get food that we would all like, given that Max had decided that baby food was passe, gave Max his first Italian sink bath, and passed out.   We crossed our fingers that Max would sleep thru the night..... AND he did!

That was just the beginning of adventures and fun and exploration.  We took Max everywhere, as I said Anne is fearless, I was the doubter at times, like the night we took him into a fancy hotel restaurant.  As we entered the dining room, the head waiter and his staff all gave us the stink eye as we asked to be seated for dinner, I am pretty sure I was sweating by that point, BUT  Max was a trooper, better than a trooper he charmed everyone.  The dinner was lovely, the staff loved Max and Anne and I got to even enjoy a glass of wine!  See, Mommies know their babies....Grammies only have opinions until they are in the fancy restaurant and get to watch their grandchild in action!  We had many lovely nights like that.  Two women and a baby on great adventures, lunches out, villages to explore, and lovely sites to be seen.  We even managed when between the two said grownups we forgot the stroller and Anne carried Max all around the village of Barolo!

As for the Cheese Festival, Max charmed everyone.  Anne met people she loves and spent time learning and exploring and anticipating ways to make Saxelby Cheese even more dynamic and current and interesting, along with providing excellent and new product.  What fun to watch her in her element!  This Mommy also knows her child.  She is a force, a delight and such fun to watch.  As our kids become adults and explore and create their lives, it is a gift to participate, and be invited into their worlds.

Helping our children be who they are supposed to be.  Two woman and a baby on adventures through Europe.  Me helping Anne be able to take the trip and provide support.  Anne learning and exploring and designing new ways for her business.  Anne with the added gift of her baby son along to enjoy and expose to life.... in all sorts of new forms and ways and places.  Watching Max learn and become and be new each day!  Wow...

What an opportunity!

So, I say, seize the opportunities and adventures and times of life to be fully engaged.  Evolve, help your kids evolve, grow and learn.

I know these two women and a baby did just that!

Oh... as for the bug part, Anne and I got sick as dogs after we got back...

As for the baby...he is made of kryptonite and was just fine.  Whew!

Until next time...

Pam....aka one of the two women










A dirty little secret.....

Hello!


After caring for my lovely grandson Max last week,  I found myself sitting in my chiropractors office this morning.  While I was waiting for my turn, I picked up a copy of the Ladies Home Journal. I could have chosen Science Magazine, People, or Rifle Monthly, but I was in a Ladies Home Journal mood.  Besides all of the articles that talk about how to find your best self, and the really important ones about what not to wear, and then of course, what to wear :), I found an essay section written by outside sources and submitted to the magazine. The winning articles were published.  The article I chose, was written by a woman who was discussing that the "Empty Nest Syndrome" can be harder than people think.  I read along, because I was interested, and when I got to the part where she admitted that she wondered "is this the end of my real life?" I looked around to see if anyone else noticed my mouth gapping stare.  After trying to nonchalantly gaze around the waiting room to see if anyone had noticed my strange expression, I thought someone else knows my dirty little secret!

Ok, of course life does not end after your kids grow and go off to college and their own worlds beyond that.  Because, honestly, that is what we are suppose to do!  Helping our children become who they are suppose to become is the goal and mantra, in my opinion, of parenting done well.  After all, how many times have I talked about creating kids who know who they are and what they want and follow their paths, not the ones we may have designed for them.  Yet, as I read the article this morning, it made me realize that in the process of trying our best to parent well, at least for me, there is a Catch-22 component.

When you spend 20+ years, at least, and many more if you have more than one child, thinking about someone else and doing your best to meet their needs, you can rightly and without intent, loose parts of yourself in the process.  I think this is true for men and for women, yet I wonder if it is more of a female issue than male.  Now that both genders choose to stay home with their kids, or become the primary caretaker, this idea may apply to all people who are parents.

So, I am thinking that this part of the story can be a cautionary tale!  While loving your kids well, and spending all the time needed to help them become great people, remember to take good good care of yourself along the way.  I know at times that is hard, and it is not an all or nothing process.  We don't have to give our kids everything of ourselves all the time in order for them to turn out well.  We actually serve them even better by making sure we evolve well.
 Figure out what you need along the way, and nurture that part too.  If you do, than maybe everyone will need less therapy!

Today, celebrate who you are and go out and do something really nice for yourself.  It is not selfish to take care of you and remember who you are, or design new parts of yourself.   As your kids grow, you can too.

Help them find them and help you find you....

My father in law use to say "reach back grab your ass, you've found yourself"!  Obviously he was not into brooding over the whole "Who am I" question.

Today, grab something, or someone, or some new idea, experience or adventure.  Do it just for yourself!

Go for it!  You will love yourself for it and so will your kids.


Until next time,

Pam










civilizing addendum...

One more thought....


I wonder in the whole civilizing process how much nature and nurture come into play...
I am in New York with the lovely Max, and watching all of Brooklyn go by.  There are a whole bunch of kids who's daily care is also provided by Nannys....

Can kids be civilized by society as much as by their parents?  I wonder if kids who have hard circumstances can find their way through outside sources?

Just wondering....


Until another thought....

Pam


The Civilizing Process...

Hello!


I have been thinking about this post idea ever since my daughter, Megan, graduated from her Master's Program in July.  During her graduation week, one of the events involved professors talking about the difference each student had made, and what they would take away from their experience with that individual.   The commentary shared about Megan, was that her work with junior high kids involved a lot of time teaching them how to be civilized.  I liked that thought!

The civilizing process can be daunting!  How as parents, do we help kids become people you would like to meet, and know, and be friends with?  People who keep evolving and growing and becoming the type of person they want to be?  Someone that is likable and able.

I think it must start right from the earliest elements of parenting.  We teach our kids to trust by being there for them when they cry and try to meet their needs.  We teach our kids to love by loving them in a way that is unconditional and constant.  We teach our kids to be people by showing them and teaching them rules of decorum ( this can be hard, even on the best parents....when our kids were teenagers they actually got into a fight and threw a shoe across a restaurant...Yikes....we had to keep working on that :).  We teach our kids how to care for others by caring for people we love well.  We teach our kids how to take risks and grow by demonstrating our own ability to do that.  We teach our kids....well, bottom line, our kids learn what they live.  Each day, we their parents are their best teachers, no matter how old our children are.

I just had a great conversation with one of my kids.  We shared what each of us felt, and talked about what we needed, in a way that I believe was respectful and honest.  Hmmm... we must have practiced that before!

Sometimes I think it is hard to do the right thing and be the parent, even when your kids are adults, but we must.  We signed onto that agreement the minute our kids were born!  It can be the best and hardest part of life, trying to be a good parent, trying to demonstrate how to evolve, and how to be a person.  A person who is civilized enough to know they do not know everything and keep working on it.  That is the whole point.

I know I am far from perfect, but damn if I am not going to keep trying!

OK...I guess not perfection, cause that would be CRAZY talk....but how about GREAT?

That is pretty civilized.

Until next time,

Pam

Joyful celebration....

Hi!

Ok, my thought for today is that school is starting.  All kids go back to school soon, if they haven't already.

As you send them back, be joyful and celebrate.  Celebrate all that you have helped them achieve and be to this point!  Then, go out and celebrate yourself.

I am in Cleveland doing just that.  My 30 year old started her first day back at school today.  Of course, she is the teacher now.  How did that happen???


Until next time,

Pam

Going out there....

Hello!


As  I sit here Friday morning, I am thinking about a conversation I have been having with a friend of mine. It is about how we woman define ourselves.  I bet men get caught up in this too, yet I am sure they do not talk about it as much. It must go along with that Men are from Mars and woman are from Venus thing....

So here goes....

I think woman and men should define themselves with integrity, intelligence, bravery and curiosity. And, if we have children, I think our primary job should be to figure out how to be real and evolving and a role model.  A role model that is not afraid to show our kids all the parts of life that are out there, the good, the hard and the sad, and how to deal with, manage and change as needed.  Because if we do that, we will give our kids a pretty good road map to help guide them along the way, kind of like parent GPS.

 "How to Be" is the name of a great children's book by Lisa Brown.   You should get a copy even if you don't have small children.  It could be the life guide for everyone.  I especially like the short chapter on "How to be a Person" here it is:

"Be brave, curious, patient, charming, creative, and friendly...Be yourself."

I would also add, dare greatly....

Now, if we could all actually do that and model that for our kids it could be great.  I am continually working on it!


Until next time...

Just Be....Pam

On the Road to Hell.....

Hello!


Last week, as you know, I was in Madison with my daughter and her baby son.
While we were there we got to meet a whole bunch of people, and THAT kid.


We have all met THAT kid.  Sometimes it is while we are out and about in the world at large, sometimes it is within the school community our kids are part of, sometimes it, as has happened in my life, is a child in your class, and sometimes it can even be a member of your extended family. If THAT kid is part of your extended fam....YIKES, cause there is no escape.

This time, however, THAT kid was someone I met out and about in the world at large, through shared experience and shared social contacts.....

As I watched and listened to the interaction between said kid and his parents, it was hard not to want to offer advice.  We all know that kids become what they learn and live, and that part of the biggest responsibility of being a parent is setting clear and cohesive limits and boundaries, without that kids become free range children.  By free range children, I mean all of those kids we have met whose parents work hard at letting them "be" asking them if they are happy and if they are making 'good choices", when they are toddlers.  I am sorry, but the only choices young children should have are maybe what they want to wear, when it is appropriate, and what they may want to have as a snack, if you are up for that.  Beyond that, we do our kids a disservice if we don't set up clear and precise boundaries for them.  No one learns without trial and error.  Kids need to know what they can and can not do, what is and is not appropriate and how to be out in the world without causing terror!

I have spoken to this point before. Beyond unconditional love, the most important part of a parents job is to set clear limits and boundaries for your kids during every stage of their development.  What is necessary is to know what those limits are and how the boundaries look.   Help your kids become competent people.  In order to do that, you have to show up and be willing to do the dirty work and that work requires you being the bad guy from time to time and using that scary word "NO"!

I was relaying my experience today with my Mother in Law, and I have to credit her with the title of this post... She said "Wow Honey, if those parents don't start setting limits and boundaries for their child, they are on the road to hell!"

And....there we have it!

Choose to be the parent.  Do your job with love and deep responsibility.  Free Range is for chickens, eggs, and turkeys, not kids, unless they are baby goats!

Until next thought....

Pam


Quick thought

Hi!

Just sharing the thought that life is like a speeding bullet train...

How did I get from attending the University of Wisconsin Madison to caring for my grandson while my  grown daughter attends The American Cheese Society Conference??

Sue...you know who you are....can you believe that I am in Madison....as a Gramma?? :)

Until next time,
Pam

Remembering...

Hi...


So, I contemplated if I wanted to write this or not, and have decided that yes,  I will.

Last year on this date, I was in a very different place.  I was in the hospital with my Mom after she had a life ending brain aneurysm, so quick and so unexpected.  A tumultuous day.

Today, I got to go to the park and have coffee with Anne and Max and her friend Nicole and her new baby girl Charlotte.....

I think Mom was there too, she never missed a moment.

We should try not to either.

Until next time,

Pam

You forget the way it was...

Ok...

So I am sitting in our New York apartment waiting for the man who told me he would be here, to install an air conditioner.  He has called and said he was coming...yet I am getting suspect of his time frames...

So, as I am sitting here, and the reason we even have an apartment in New York, is because we now have a grandson, I decided to write. What a delight it is to have a new member of the family.  I am just in the beginning phases of figuring this new role out. Because we have raised 3 grown children,  thought it would mean that I know something, but I know nothing about being a grammie, except that I want to do it right and well.  I plan to keep working on that.

Yesterday, we were invited to go to brunch at one of our daughter's friend's home.  They have a new baby, it is their second.  As we were sitting and conversing the new Mom  commented on how hard it was to now have two kids.  The jump from one to two was monumental and exponential, and she really is thinking hard about how not to mess them up.  She has been struggling with the notion that she wants to do this whole parenting thing differently than her parents did.  She complimented my husband and myself on how well she thinks we did, and I was honored.  Yet, I told her it was all done with smoke and mirrors..!  Actually, I did not say that.  What I did say was that we tried to be mindful and adjust and evolve with each child.  I also told her that it's ok to not want to repeat the things that your parents did wrong, or wrong at least to you.   I told her to be mindful daily, as best you can, and think about what you want your kids to be.

I think Bill and I have done a pretty good job.  I told her she would too, and to trust herself and adjust accordingly.  The goal is to help each child become who they are suppose to be, not what we think they should be.  If you keep thinking about that, I think it usually works out pretty well!

If that does not work, I told her I shared with my 3 kids that I had really tried to do the best I could for them, and that if they needed any help to please find a good therapist...



Until next time!

Pam


Unconditional Love...revisited

Hello!


This morning as I am attempting to wake up, my husband has this thing called a job, so he gets up early, I grabbed a cup of nice strong coffee and also a book that our daughter Megan, who is a teacher and scholar,  left on the counter.  It is called "The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness".  I took both the coffee and the book outside and began to enjoy them.

I was not sure what to expect from the book, but the title intrigued me.  I know that in the very first blog I wrote, I listed what I think are the most important ideas to consider as a parent if you want to try and raise children who become  competent and fully cooked adults with the least amount of baggage and strife in their lives.  I am fairly certain that "unconditional love" was one of the first things I mentioned, if not the very first.  I would like to think that my brain would remember accurately, but all of us over 50 know that can be iffy!  As I sipped my coffee and began to peruse the book, I  was reminded of what my basic thought about raising kids has and will always be.  Unconditional love is the best gift we can give them.  

The author of the book, Edward M. Hallowell, M.D., talked about how to help children have a connected life.  Through his research and study, he has determined that unconditional love is one of the biggest predictors in raising kids who become adults that are "fully cooked" this is my phrase, not his.   Adults who are able to navigate the world and their life with the feelings of security, basic trust, courage, optimism, love of life, and the ability to deal with adversity.   These qualities, in his educated opinion, are what lead to strong capable adults.  Adults who can navigate life well, all the parts...the good the bad and the ugly, because we all know life can have all of those dimensions. 

What was fascinating to me at the ripe old age of 56, is that I still search for answers about why I think the way I do, and have and do believe that a lot of our emotional baggage comes from the messages we received as children.  I believe that my parents did the best they were able to, and I did feel loved...yet at times growing up there were caveats  attached to that loved feeling...did I do something well, did I mess up, was I perfect enough.  I am not at all trying to make this about me, I am on the contrary trying to provide an observation, that even at 56 I am aware of these thoughts.

Unconditional love given from parents to children is the way children feel connected to the world. It gives kids the opportunity to develop basic feelings of security and trust, those underlying layers of personal self confidence.  Maybe instead of worrying about too many things as a parent, we start right there, or revisit or renew our efforts in loving our kids unconditionally, no matter what!  I think that message throughout all of life and every stage of parenting is an important one.

O.K.  Just as I am contemplating how to finish this post, I received a phone call from a dear friend, a Mommy of adult children who are leading their own lives. We had to talk about remembering the whole premise of loving our kids unconditionally.  Sometimes they make it harder than other times...

Just saying.....


Until next time,

Pam


Woo Hoo!

Hi All...


Woo Hoo to my youngest daughter as she drives cross country ....by herself!

Woo Hoo to all parents who in spite of their own need to control things :) (like me)...
embrace their children's  (even when they are grown ups and you can at best have an opinion)
goals and aspirations and plans.

Until my next thought,

Pam

Reaping the Rewards...

Hello!

Last weekend I got to watch the fruits of our efforts pay off....I've always told our kids, as did my husband, that they have to take good care of each other.   I have also told them that if they don't, I will figure out how to come back from the grave at the appropriate time :) and haunt them mercilessly if they do not.  Just saying.....

So...they listened!

Megan, our youngest daughter moved last weekend from one home to another in the Cleveland area and as we were helping her, her brother and his wife surprised her ( they had driven 8 hours from New York)  and showed up at her new home just in time to help with lots of "grunt" work.   The lovely look of joy and sheer glee on her face when they arrived, was spectacular!

So....just saying... after you do alllllll the work required while raising your kids, it is a blast to watch and enjoy and share in the fun!

If it is one of those days with your kids, just know that by putting in the time when they are young, it pays off!

Until next time,

Pam