Carrying on..

Hi All,

It’s been a truly humbling experience these last few weeks.

As many of you know, our family began the https://www.annesaxelbylegacyfund.org/ shortly after Anne died. It was born from the desire to keep Anne’s legacy alive, and in doing so, honor her and her life’s mission to make a difference and do what she loved.

In the past 3 years much has evolved.

The first year of the Legacy fund, we sent 33 young people to a wholly funded paid apprenticeship. Last year, our second year, we increased that number to 66, and this year our third year, we are sending 100 people.

It’s been such a rewarding, and of course hard process to be able to make this happen.

The first year, honestly, it was quite challenging for me, and perhaps even more so the second year.

The reality that this good work we were attempting to do was because Anne was no longer here, was at times, quite daunting for me.

I know that in talking with our growing staff and groups of wonderful people involved now in Anne’s Legacy fund, sometimes the reality of why we are doing this is not front and center for them. And…that is a good thing, because we need people who see the value of what we are doing, and want to help us grow and be successful.

That in itself is marvelous.

This third year, I can honestly say, is the first year I am able to read through all the amazing applications we received with more joy than sadness.

As those of you know who have experienced great loss, this journey of navigating Grief is tricky. And so for me, I am grateful to be able to feel the joy in our purpose. The chance to talk with so many young people who are motivated and inspired by Anne and her story gives me great joy, and I absolutely know that she feels the same way.

When someone you love dies unexpectedly, in an out of order fashion, life turns upside down. The world as you knew it is forever altered.

Carrying on is what we are managing. Healing, I don’t know if that is possible or even desirable for that then treats your Grief as a disease… and Grief is not that. Learning to carry what can not be fixed, that is the realistic and healthy goal.

As I had the chance to read through 500 applications during our selection committee meetings, I realized we are doing it!

We have made Anne’s life, her essence, her work tangible to others. In doing that, we are carrying one. Helping make a difference in this world in a positive and hopefully life changing way. Not just for the apprentices , but for the farms and communities they touch.

We’re sending a piece of Anne along with them to every place they go… and in doing that we are honoring her in a way that I know is valuable and makes her proud.

When you loose someone, the challenge to find your way to carry on is the substance of how you now live your forever altered life.

I hope all of you find your way…

Thanks for taking the time to read this,

Pam

Keep Calm... oh wait.. NO!

Hi all,

Last week I started my class with Megan Devine about how to change the way we talk about Grief.

It was so enlightening and gave me pause to understand how/why it’s so difficult for any of us to discuss.

First, in Western Society we treat Grief as a a disease. Something to be gotten rid of, and even in the new Psych manuals, Grief is listed as a disorder especially if it’s considered to be lasting too long.

Who decided that?

And that is the issue.

I can vouch for myself that before we lost Anne I too did not know how to discuss it.

I lost both of my parents, and that was horrible, yet expected… so when I went through that, the normal platitudes sufficed.

After loosing Anne, they just no longer worked.

As I learn more, I will share with you.

My mission in taking this class is to help begin a new conversation about Grief … take away some of the terror we all feel when we try to figure out how to help ourselves, and someone we love.

Grief is thought of as one of the Dark Emotions… something to be avoided at all costs.

And yet, none of us will avoid it in our lives, and some will have more experiences with it than others.

We find Grief so terrifying that we work to forget it and strive not to talk about it.

I used the phrase at the beginning “Keep Calm…”. During our first session, Megan Devine used this phrase an an example of how history has handled Grief… the idea of a stiff upper lip, literally soldier on. This phrase is from WWII… when the British people were being bombed daily.

The idea was to repress and not discuss… keep moving forward…

To some people, this is still the favored response. Repress, repress, repress.

The problem with doing that though, is your Grief does not go away… it just gets buried. And in being buried, rots inside you.

What I am learning is that though many of us are good intentioned, we do not allow a comfort zone for Grief discussion.

I can admit to that myself, when it affected others in my past. I wanted to move through it quickly, and in doing so, I know I was not a good assist to anyone who might have needed me.

Grief is sooooooooo uncomfortable. It is not something any of us go looking for.

Grief makes us nervous, and anxious and by that very essence, we want to get rid of it…

But… Grief does not go away. It can not be fixed, it can not be lost, it doesn’t leave.

And that is why it’s so very necessary to find a helpful way to live with it.

To be able to feel comfortable speaking your truth, that is what we need to strive for.

When we learn to live with the discomfort of the reality of Grief and invite honest conversation, that is when we begin to help grieving people.

I am excited to learn more in these next few weeks, and months.

And if anything I say here or share is helpful or enlightening or offers a new way of thinking about Grief, I am glad,

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Signs...

Hi all!

I wish everyone a great day today. Why not?

I have been contemplating what I am going to be doing in this next part of my life, and shared that with all of you.

I have recently been talking with someone I met through our daughter, Megan. He is a lovely, kind man, who’s journey has taken him into the profession of helping others. He lost his partner a number of years ago, and since then, has chosen to use his life to bring education and peace to others.

I was talking with him the other day, and I had been thinking about how I would use what I am going to be learning through the course I will be starting in just a few weeks.

We talked about Anne of course, as he knew her and understands my desire to help others in the conversations we have about Grief in this country.

I have said before, and restate my thoughts here, that to begin to understand how loss affects us, we need to be able to have shared conversation and open discussion. We need to have a new vocabulary and shared knowledge of what and how to do that.

Grief should not be a taboo subject, because all of us will experience Grief at some point in our lives. Some will be expected if a long illness proceeds a person’s passing, and some will not. It will come right out of the blue… one minute… and your whole universe is upended.

Either way, the loss is real.

I think we forget that … LOSS IS REAL.

I know at the beginning of my Grief journey, I would wake up, if I had been able to sleep, and wonder if my loss was only a bad dream, one that I would wake up from.

That is the part that I now understand is what makes Grief so damn hard. Your LOSS IS PERMANENT.

Love and Grief live side by side. If you dare to love … you dare to grieve.

In my journey I am learning and experiencing new things, and new ways of being.

I find that Anne is with me often.

I have always been a spiritual person, not a religious person, but a spiritual one.

Each and every one of us will decide how we believe, or choose not to believe.

I choose to believe that there is more to this universe than just the physical … that life is energy… and when the physical is gone, energy still lives.

I have always been open to thinking about life as multi dimensional … just because we can not physically see… does not mean it does not exist.

Like your thoughts… you can not see them, but you know they are there.

So I propose to all of you, that you open yourself to seeing… seeing in a new way.

My friend sent me a book called “Signs”. We were being quite open with each other about how we are and where we are in our Grief journeys.

I have shared with my close family and friends that I am so grateful to receive signs of Anne, and her life energy all around me.

I am choosing to share and speak, make myself vulnerable and put this out to the universe because I know I am not the only one who will experience this gift…

There is now a beautiful White Heron that comes to see us whenever we are at our home in Florida… and not just us … good friends were just staying at our home… Our Heron came to see them every day.

Signs are there for all of us, not just from our loved ones who have had to move on.. but from the universe and life itself.

I am choosing to be bold… look around you… open your hearts, souls and minds…

Peace will follow…

We are going to Florida tomorrow… and I smile knowing our Heron will be waiting.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Flummoxed ???

Hi,

Ok.. so I know that some people probably start to get tired of hearing how I am learning to carry my grief about Anne.

And… so that’s the point here.

Sometimes I am so caught off guard by my feelings…

When I write these pieces, I am usually trying to offer some sense of shared experience, or idea on how to help your friends or people you know, deal with their grief.

Today, I am writing to say that it is just damn hard!

I am not trying to be a baby whiner ( a term my family uses) I am just trying to help others understand the soul sucking intensity of realizing every day, that your person is no longer here.

Now, I have and do see Anne, and feel her presence often… yet, although that can be beautiful, it can also be intense… of course joyful and then a longing… a longing to be able to pick up the phone, to hug her, to know that I will see her in a few weeks or days when we head to Brooklyn.

And that is the part that people do not understand unless they too have lost a child.

I know when I lost my parents, that I felt a deep, intense loss…

Yet, when Anne died, a part of me died too.

Thats just how it is…

I have a painting of a three legged dog now, cause that’s what living without Anne is like, We all go on, but there is a forever piece missing . You can keep walking, and keep moving, and keep living, but part of you has been eternally removed… and there is no way to fix that.

Grief and loss are so complicated. As I said in my last post… I am going to take a course, and I am hopeful that will give me further tools to keep living my life in a positive way. For myself, and as a tribute to Anne and for our whole family.

It’s not my job to be a role model. To anyone reading this, or anyone I know.

People say things like, ‘I hope you find healing”…

I know that every person has great intentions., it’s just that Grief is sooo damn hard.

As I move on, move forward, live my life, there is no moment that Anne will be in it. She is in my past, and I want so deeply to have her in my future… but that will never happen.

Her physical self is not here, and will not be again.

That’s the part that sneaks up on you… every day forward she is not here… and it is a Motherfu#%r!

I wrote this now for me… I needed an outlet today… a way to try and integrate my new reality.

Yes, it’s been 2 years and almost 4 months….

And that is the part that is so challenging… life will never be as it was… my person is gone.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

So... a New Year... a new Journey.

Hi all!

A brand new year… just like that, 2023 is in the past.

Every year at this time I ponder what I dream of for this new year. And as we all know, manifesting our dreams is a mindset.

Dreams… hopes… goals as we start each new year… they bring a sense of excitement and hopefulness.

One of the dreams I have always had is to help people.

When I was in High School they had us take one of those aptitude tests that offers insight into your personal strengths and areas of interest for what you might choose to study and follow a passion as you navigate the next part of your life.

For me, that next part of my life, was college.

I was the first one in my family to be offered that opportunity… and even though I was a bit terrified at journeying out, I was also really excited about learning, taking classes ( I have always loved school I’m a bit of a geek…:) discovering what I was going to grow up to do!

I think, given that I graduated from High School in 1974, I had some different freedoms than women who had preceded me , even by just 5 years.

I though about classes… and wondered what I could truly excel at. I already knew it wasn’t math… but I had always thought about helping others… and so psychology was something I pondered, as was education. Both had shown up on that High School aptitude test, as areas of strength.

After my fist semester I realized that psychology was not exactly what I thought it would be. It included quite a bit of math, including predictions and probability.

I am a bit of a perfectionist so when the midterm grades came out, and I was pushing a C at best… I bailed!

However, as I pivoted into Education, and was able to take adolescent psychology and child psychology, I realized that I was going to be able to make a difference by educating kids, and through that path, give them opportunities to find their best selves!

I truly enjoyed teaching… and through the variety of age groups I worked with, I was able to touch so many lives… little to big.

When my husband and I had out first child, Anne, I chose to stay home… and honestly at that time, I was in the minority of my friends.

Young women had the choice to follow a career path where they got to make more of their own decisions on what that would be,

I do not regret that choice. I know that even when I was pulling my hair out, I still wanted to be, along with my husband, the biggest influencers in their lives.

Now, all these years later, especially after loosing Anne prematurely, I am even more grateful that I made that choice and had that time.

The chance to influence your children, to guide them, to help them be who they are supposed to be, is so wonderful.

For me, that was my best gift.

Each of us has choices to make, and choosing is hard. There is absolutely no perfect plan or perfect choice.

I realize now, as I am obviously much further along in my life’s journey, that choosing, is always part of life.

We do not know what will present and what we will have to deal with in our lives.

As I begin this new year, I am going to learn and put myself back into a learning environment.

After Anne died, I was given a book entitled “It’s OK that You’re Not OK” by Megan Devine.

I am choosing to start a new journey, one that I hope will allow me the opportunity to help others who have the devastating loss of a loved one.

I will be taking a course that she is offering that I hope will give me both knowledge and grace.

Knowledge to be informed, and grace to be able to sit next to someone who is grieving.

I hope to help change how we talk about and “do” grief in this country.

I hope to help continue the conversation that there is no right or wrong way to grieve….

It’s personal to and for each and every one of us.

As I learn, I will share with you.

I know, in my soul, that Anne will be accompanying me and guiding me on this new journey. She’s my guiding light….

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Resume Your Journey... a short thought....

Hi again,

So, it’s now been 2 years and 3 days since Anne had to leave us.

I never will know why that happened… even with all the medical followup, detective work on our part as a total family to get a definitive answer… there are clues, there are suggestions, but no final answer except that she died from SCA…. Sudden Cardiac Arrest…

Monday, the 9th , the second anniversary of Anne’s death, was an interesting day… a lot of our family was together… Megan just had Sami, and we were celebrating her birth…

And in all of that… you realize that Life never stops moving on… and in the moving on you never leave Anne behind… you incorporate her into your soul…

Sami looks like Anne as a baby… we will see how that plays out as she grows.

Sami is not a replica… she is whole and unique on her own… she is joy and love …

The journey… always moving.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Why do we do it?

Hi Everyone,

I titled this post “Why do we do it?” for a reason. Of course it’s for a reason, right? Or I would not have written it.

I’ve been thinking and wondering a lot lately. We had Anne’s second annual Legacy benefit last week. It was an amazing night… over 3,000 people attended or tried to attend, as after the capacity for safe numbers at the Chelsea Market was reached, we had to turn people away.

I know why we did that. The event was to raise funds for the work we’re doing to honor Anne through the Anne Saxelby Legacy Fund… to do the work, we need monies. To make monies, we need to have an event, and ask people to consider donating.

Why we started the Fund is more complicated…

We started the fund to honor a person who had to leave this life. Why did she have to leave? I know we have answers of some sort, but the real reason is because even though she took good care of herself, was in excellent physical shape, loved her life… her family, her kids especially… her body gave out.

So, we keep her spirit and passions alive, because she can not.

Why do we do that? Because we chose to have her presence and influence in this world , in her family, in her friends, in people she loved, in her work, not be over.

We chose to love her through the mission and work of her Legacy Fund.

What do we do when someone we love dies suddenly? Or faces a terminal illness?

I have a beautiful friend who has now chosen to be in Hospice. She made a choice to live out the rest of her life without pain, without poking and prying and hoping for a different outcome.

Why do we honor that? Why do we do that?

Because we love her.

And as I continue to think about these moments of life ,the moments that are truly horrible… moments we wish with all of the fibers of our being were not the reality, we go one, we do all that we can to help, to honor because of one word, LOVE.

Love…

We do what we do when life throws us, when life gives us the unthinkable, because of love.

That’s it.

That’s why we do it…

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Ramblings...

Hi all,

I titled this blog Ramblings… probably because that’s what is in my head today.

Over the last month, two families we love and care about have had their lives turned upside down, upended without any warning…

One family lost a young father, tragic and unexpected… one family is dealing with a major health issue… not sure of the outcome…

So… I thought Ramblings was the most appropriate thing to title this piece… as Life presents more random unplanned events.

And I guess that’s the major theme here… Unplanned, unknown, unexpected.

The longer I am in this life, the more I understand that we truly do not control much.

We can control what we choose to do, what we choose to eat, what we choose to read etc.. but in terms of the BIG stuff… those are the elements that are often out of our control, out of our reach.

The family that lost their young father began their day like any other, without any forethought of tragedy arriving at their door that day…

The friend who is dealing with a health issue, did everything right, and still is now in the midst of surgeries and unplanned added outcomes.

As we, my family, has been navigating life after Anne unexpectedly died, one of the things that I often think about is how to not keep looking over our shoulders to see what may be coming… waiting, so to say, for the other shoe to drop.

After you are presented with a huge unexpected life event, how do you proceed?

The answer to that is different for everyone… one moment at a time…however it works for YOU.

I have often referred to Megan Devine’s Book… “It’s Ok that you’re Not Ok” as a powerful guide to navigating loss… in all it’s forms.

I was speaking with my friend today, who is dealing with one curveball after another as she works to regain her health, and she said she’s tired of people telling her what and how to feel.

That is the fundamental truth for all of us… navigating loss is personal. There is no formula for how to proceed … there’s just the clumsy, murky realities of how to keep breathing and living.

Sometimes despite our absolute best intentions we stumble when trying to help others…

Best intentions, though well intended, can fall flat or actually irritate the person, persons trying to find a path, a plan a roadway to leave Grief behind, because Grief is exhausting.

I say to anyone who asks me what they can do, and my answer is sit next to me, do not tell me what to do.

Check in with your people, let them know you’re there, even if it’s messy…

Don’t try to fix anything… because you can’t.

But you can Love them… because Love demands nothing. It’s patient and kind.

Patience, kindness, love… always help.

When life is upended… Love even harder.

My ramblings for today…

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Always...

Hi,

I never actually know when it feels like the time to write something new…it just happens.

Like today.

Today is the day a friend of mine’s adult son died. I am not going to say “passed away”. He died.

There’s no sugar coating death. It’s real, and permanent.

So, as I was writing to her, and hoping to use words that would provide kinship, or solace or both, I realized that as much as our society would like to make this easier, you just can not.

My friend’s son has been gone for 3 years… Anne almost 20 months… and time does provide some distance… yet the feelings never go away.

I find now that some days I can spend a lot of the day being engaged in life again. Finding joy, and yes happiness with the people I love, and the experiences of that day.

I can smile, I can laugh, I can find joy… yet there is always the surprise…

I feel her presence, her spirit, her essence in a variety of ways, and often. I find myself looking for her…

And yes, Life does go on, but it’s going on with a new rhythm… like when you hear a song, but hear something new or different in it’s melody, one you didn’t hear before.

And, it’s interesting how it’s always there.

I went to a wedding recently. Sooo happy for the wonderful couple that was celebrating. And it’s during those situations, that you get the surprise … not prepared for what someone chooses to bring up.

I had that happen… and that’s the tricky part of immersing yourself again in life…

You never know when you might get tripped up by someone who says something …

And when that happens, you are right there… again.

I guess that’s the part I want to share.

Loosing someone you love is never, ever easy. Loosing a child is impossible.

I write these posts for myself, and for sharing my reality. It’s messy…

And as I continue to learn, there’s no way out of the mess.

There are times when I can live quietly with my grief… carrying my loss of my Anne differently than others…because everyone who has lost a child has to learn to carry that loss their way.

Today, trying to share words with my friend… trying to provide comfort in the shared kinship we share, is both horrible and wonderful.

Horrible because our children are no longer on this earth…

Wonderful because they were here, and we got to love them every day they were.

Always love…. ever, and always, and forever.

Love always lasts.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Prolonged Grief Disorder??????????

Hi All,

I heard this topic mentioned the other day.

Prolonged Grief Disorder???

HMMMMMM…..

I had the most amazing opportunity last week to spend time with 3 of my dearest friends. We were able to spend 5 days together at our home on the water. The only reason I had “on the water” is because being near the water has always been soul quenching for me, and for these wonderful friends.

I had not seen one of my friends for quite some time, and actually I think the last amount of time we spent together in the same space that was prolonged, was at Anne’s funeral.

So being together I knew we would talk… she had given me space I had asked for…

This grief process is tricky… Gut wrenching, depleting, overwhelming, educational and yes, also filled with love. This is what we discussed…

Notice I said “grief process”. It is a process, and it is a life long process.

When I saw the topic of:

“Prolonged Grief Disorder” I laughed.

When you love someone … truly love someone… grief is a life long companion.

Some days the companion is loving, some days distressing, some days unbearable.

The problem with thinking that prolonged grief is a “disorder” is that that thought process judges … it judges how grief is “supposed “to be dealt with.

And in Grief there is ABSOLUTELY NO SUPPOSED TO BE.

By even coming up with this idea, this thought process, the reality of loss, is being categorized, as if there is a 5 step process to work through, and then you are all done… this is not how it works.

Before we lost Anne, I had read the books about the 5 steps of Grief… interesting ideas.

But after we lost Anne, I realized that is just not reality.

Making anyone feel that you need to get over your loss, not talk about it, bury it, be done, is just not the reality.

Grief is love… both of which are life long.

One of my dear friends who I had the gift of spending time with last week, lost a child many years ago. I lost my child about 18 months ago… the times are identical. Deep Grief, the loss of someone you love, does not resolve itself ever.

What does happen, in my experience of it at this point in my journey, is it ebbs and flows, like a wave.

Some days the waves are calm, some days not. Like the Ocean, it is ever evolving…. never the same.

So the idea of a disorder with carrying prolonged grief is fodder for professionals to label someone… and that only makes the process of living with grief harder.

There is absolutely no shame in Grief…

Grief is part of living….

My friend and I who share the same reality of the loss of a child are doing this every day. Living and carrying our grief with us.

That is the reality… you carry your grief with you… and yes it is prolonged… it’s always part of your life… as is the person you lost… as is your love for them.

There is no disorder in prolonged grief.

There is the reality of how to live your life without your person in it … for the rest of your life.

That my friends is the reality…

Living, loving, carrying…

Thanks for reading,

Pam