Hi all,
Yesterday was the 5 month mark of the death of our daughter, Anne.
I have trouble each month when the 9th comes up.. I think about what she was doing on the 8th…no thought that it would be her last day on this earth… just going about her life… having dinner, walking the dog, kissing her kids good night.
No one could have known, as those events occurred, that that would be the final time…
Now, I am not trying to cast a sullen morbidity about all of this, or a woe is me thought process…
What I am trying to do is talk about the realities of death, and how final it is.
People have said “You can still talk with her”, and I do. However, we all know that is not the same as being able to call someone and have a dialogue… not a one way conversation.
Why do I write? Because I know I am not alone, and am humbled enough to know that my pain is not any greater or any less than others who have to go through this in their lives.
Losing a chid is never easy at any age.
Yes, I am grateful that Anne had 40 years of life, and yes I am grateful for the memories of joy and love that are mine forever…
But… I am heartbroken that that’s it. There is no future, there is only the past.
So, my conundrum is this…
How do I acknowledge this as the reality it is, and still go on with life in a meaningful way?
That’s what I am working on…
Celebrating who Anne was/is … and living with the conundrum of joy and sorrow that permeates my heart.
Yesterday as I was talking with family, this is the new conundrum for each of us…. I am not alone in this.
However, I think about Anne, and who she was… still is in the lasting memories of all that she did, and the change she created through her passions, and her lovely humble, strong, intelligent self…
She would not want us to wallow in grief… she wants me, and those who love her, to continue on with life.
To celebrate life, to make a difference to be change agents, to lead with love.
I am not exactly sure how I will do this…
Each day is a new and different start…
All I know is that I will keep getting up, keep trying, keep living in a way that would make her proud.
She would not give up, and neither will I.
Thanks for reading,
Pam