Love...

Hi all,

Today seems to be the perfect day to write about love.

Love… a simple word… OR IS IT?

noun: love; plural noun: loves

1. 1.

   an intense feeling of deep affection.

   "babies fill parents with feelings of love"

   Similar:

   deep affection

   fondness

   tenderness

   warmth

   intimacy

   attachment

   endearment

   devotion

   adoration

   doting

   idolization

   worship

   passion

   ardor

   desire

   lust

   yearning

   infatuation

   adulation

   besottedness

   compassion

   care

   caring

   regard

   solicitude

   concern

   friendliness

   friendship

   kindness

   charity

   goodwill

   sympathy

   kindliness

   altruism

   philanthropy

   unselfishness

   benevolence

   brotherliness

   sisterliness

   fellow feeling

   humanity

   relationship

   love affair

   affair

   romance

   liaison

   affair of the heart

   intrigue

   amour

   Opposite:

   hatred

   • a feeling of deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone.

     "they were both in love with her"

     Similar:

     besotted with

     infatuated with

     enamored of

     love-struck by

     smitten with

     passionate about

     with a passion for

     consumed with desire for

     captivated by

     bewitched by

     enthralled by

     entranced by

     devoted to

     doting on

     mad/crazy/nuts/wild about

     bowled over by

     carrying a torch for

     potty about

     twitterpated by

   • affectionate greetings conveyed to someone on one's behalf.

     "give her my love"

     Similar:

     best wishes

     regards

     good wishes

     greetings

     kind/kindest regards

     felicitations

     salutations

     compliments

     best

     respects

   • a formula for ending an affectionate letter.

     "take care, lots of love, Judy"

   • a personified figure of love, often represented as Cupid.

     noun: Love

2. 2.

   a great interest and pleasure in something.

   "his love for football"

   Similar:

   liking

   weakness

   partiality

   bent

   leaning

   proclivity

   inclination

   disposition

   enjoyment

   appreciation

   soft spot

   taste

   delight

   relish

   passion

   zeal

   appetite

   zest

   enthusiasm

   keenness

   predilection

   penchant

   fondness

3. 3.

   a person or thing that one loves.

   "she was the love of his life"

   Similar:

   beloved

   loved one

   love of one's life

   dear

   dearest

   dear one

   darling

   sweetheart

   sweet

   sweet one

   angel

   honey

   lover

   boyfriend

   girlfriend

   significant other

   betrothed

   paramour

   inamorata

   inamorato

   querida

   • INFORMAL•BRITISH

     a friendly form of address.

     "it's all right, love"

   • INFORMAL

     used to express affectionate approval for someone.

     noun: a love

     "don't fret, there's a love"

4. 4.

   (in tennis, squash, and some other sports) a score of zero; nil.

   "love fifteen"

verb

verb: love; 3rd person present: loves; past tense: loved; past participle: loved; gerund or present participle: loving

1. 1.

   feel deep affection for (someone).

   "he loved his sister dearly"

   Similar:

   be in love with

   be infatuated with

   be smitten with

   be besotted with

   be passionate about

   care very much for

   feel deep affection for

   hold very dear

   adore

   think the world of

   be devoted to

   dote on

   cherish

   worship

   idolize

   treasure

   prize

   be mad/crazy/nuts/wild about

   have a pash on

   carry a torch for

   be potty about

   Opposite:

   hate

   loathe

   detest

   • feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).

     "she really loved him"

2. 2.

   like or enjoy very much.

HMMM…

These are the abundant meanings of love, noun and verb… maybe NOT so simple.

When you love someone it truly changes you. It changes your DNA.

When you are loved, it change you as well, that too changes your DNA.

So, LOVE is not simple at all.

It is demanding…

It demands patience, kindness, trust, faith, commitment , forgiveness, and letting go of all that you might want for the sake of another human being…

Now, that is definitely not simple!

When you choose love and you choose to be loved, you are changing the fabric of your life. Whether you like it or not, you are now intertwined …

So, when you loose someone that you love deeply, and that loved you back deeply it changes the very fabric of your life…

Love… it demands a lot…

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Juxtaposition ...

“Juxtaposition…

the fact of two things being seen or placed close together with contrasting effects”

Hi all,

This past week and this coming week, I have the honor and the challenge of talking with young people about The Anne Saxelby Legacy Fund… https://www.annesaxelbylegacyfund.org/

It is an honor to share the story of our beautiful, strong, creative daughter. Her story, and the difference she made in this world are inspiring and compelling.

After Anne died, and every time I write that phrase it is still unreal and odd to me… Patrick, Anne’s husband and I started The Anne Saxelby Legacy Fund https://www.annesaxelbylegacyfund.org/ as a way to continue her mission and share her passion about not just cheese, farmers and markets, but about how one person can be the catalyst for great change.

The goal of Anne’s Legacy is to provide opportunities for young people to find their passion, see the world in a new and different way, understand where their food comes from, and hopefully, see a new vision for themselves and what they can do with their lives.

And… here is the juxtaposition…

Each time I speak with and to these groups of young people, I am also doing so because Anne is no longer here to tell her story.

While I am speaking, I am eager and hopeful that what we do and are building with her fund will resonate. That her life and her choices, and her accomplishments will lead to other young people pursuing their passions. Building new opportunities for themselves, and for the communities they go back to, or choose to live in.

To make a difference…

Each time I speak with some curious and invested young person I am filled with the sense of Anne standing right next to me, smiling and cheering me/us on. By us, I mean the entire Legacy Fund organization.

It is exhilarating and exhausting at the same time.

Exhilarating because I hope to ignite a spark… encourage someone to think outside the box, to consider a new path, and take the opportunity to see what can happen when they take a chance.

Exhausting because I have to acknowledge again, and again, that Anne is no longer here to do this herself.

So, as I continue, and the work of her Legacy Fund continues, as we, the collective group of people involved, farmers, chefs, and businesses who say “Yes” to this cause honor her and make her proud through how we choose to keep her spirit and passion alive, this juxtaposition will continue…

“The fact of two things being seen or placed close together with contrasting effect”

We, all of us in the Fund, and the people who love you, will continue to tell your story.

What you did, Anne, “ who you were, how you lived mattered… and it will continue to through the lives of other young people who carry your Legacy on.

Love… pain… a juxtaposition…

Thanks for reading,

Pam

And....Now What?

Hi All,

Happy New Year… A brand new year.

Every year at this time, somewhere between Christmas and the first week of January, I take time to assess. To write down my thoughts, dreams, goals for the brand new year. Our second year without our beautiful Anne.

We had a pleasant Holiday… we got to spend time with 4 of our grandchildren and their parents at our home.

We have a place that provides for a lot of outside time, which is grand when you have a lot of people in one space.

The kids were a joy! This was the first time Anne and Patrick’s children were able to meet Megan and Max’s daughter.

Life … it had gotten in the way of this cousin introduction.

It was a delight to watch Max, Josie and Reggie meet Lucy. They were so kind and so excited to meet her, and Lucy was so happy too.

Max, he’s our oldest grand child, is 8 years older than Lucy. He’s 10 and she is 2… my heart was happy watching them play and hug… laugh and enjoy each other!

Since Anne has been gone, a beautiful white Heron has begun appearing at our home… on the beach, by the pool, flying over head, resting on the beach, just looking at us.

On Christmas night this beautiful creature appeared, and hung out with Lucy and her parents on the beach… it was magical, and moving.

When Patrick and the kids arrived, the Heron showed up quietly off to the side… when Bill was fishing with Max, our grandson, ( we also have Big Max, Megan’s husband… we have 3 sets of shared names in our family) and Megan, the Heron joined them in the water… and when Patrick and the kids left… while Bill and I were beginning to put the toys away and straighten the beach, the Heron appeared… just quietly stood there… and then gently fly away… off to the north.

All of these visits… magical … moving.

I don’t know what anyone else’s beliefs are. I however, am a spiritual person… and I believe that souls live on, and choose to connect with us after they leave this earth.

The Greeks believed that Herons are messengers from the Gods.

I copied this from my search as to the meaning of Herons when they appear in your life. I know that Anne is watching over us all. That she is present and near and helping our family, each and every one of us as we continue to try and navigate our new reality.

“The Greeks believed the heron was a messenger from the gods. The heron was thought to have been sent by Athena and Aphrodite, the goddesses of wisdom and love. Athena, for example, once sent a heron to Odysseus during his odyssey as a sign that she was watching him.”

As anyone who has had to deal with great loss knows, each person’s journey is unique to them. Their’s alone to navigate, even when there are others who want to help, it is still a singular path.

I am grateful for the presence of the Heron. She reminds me of Anne… tall, elegant with long beautiful legs. Graceful, and tricky… so full of power and quietly able to ascend quickly into the air.

Anne was quiet, elegant, powerful and beautiful. She was able to stand quietly off to the side, her presence known and her influence huge through her strength, her belief in her cheese mission… a mission that changed American Cheese and the people she touched.

As I reflected on my thoughts that early January morning, I knew that gratitude was one of the most powerful feelings I had.

Gratitude for the life my daughter had, for the life she led, for the difference she made.

Gratitude for her children, for her husband, for his determination to make her life continue to be relevant and powerful.

Gratitude that I got to be her Mom…

And I am grateful for you...for taking the time to read my words.

Thank you,

Pam

Heartbreak and Holidays...

Hi,

Heartbreak and Holidays… can they exist together?

I have found this past year, that the coexistence of Heartbreak with whatever is happening in your day, is part of this process of navigating our new reality. We do not spend every day being sad, but parts of lots of days have sadness in them. We love Anne… she’s not here.

The other night my husband and I were talking about what is our new normal. Normal… that’s a word that most likely for all of us, means something different.

I just looked up the definition of the word “normal”. It means “Conforming to a standard; usual, typical or expected.”

Nothing is usual, typical or expected right now. We are redefining what that looks like.

As all of you know, when you go through great loss, there’s a paradigm shift.

What was, is no longer.

What is, is where you are at.

What will be??? Well, that’s still to come…

Holidays are times of lots of feelings for everyone! Joy, stress, love, excitement …. etc.

But, when you add heartbreak to that list of terms, your new reality is messier than “normal” …it is not usual, or typical or anything expected. It’s being reorganized and realigned as you go….

We had a nice Thanksgiving… a lot of the family was together … and some were on a mission to Minnesota.

Those of us that were all together smiled, and laughed… we also shed a tear or two, and hugged a lot!

Holidays and traditions are always evolving… just like life. Change is the constant…

When you’re little, you go to your grandparents homes, then you get bigger and people come to your homes, then your kids get bigger, and you go to their homes… it’s a consistent life process.

One generation replaces the next. Time… it keeps on moving.

I am grateful, we are not quite as raw this year as we were last year at this time. Time… it does that.

Time will not replace or remove the heartbreak of loss… time will not return Anne to us…

Time, we hope, will continue to help us learn to carry our loss with us. Honoring our beautiful Anne always with how we choose, yes choose, to live our lives.

Our heartbreak is present, it’s sneaky… it ebbs and flows… you never quite know when it will appear, or even why… the truth is, it’s its own entity. When it shows up, we will give it space… we will honor it…

We will also smile, we will also laugh, we will also shed a tear or two, and most importantly, we will share love ever aware that time is precious.

I hope you spend time with those you love this Holiday Season.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Adaptable?

Hi,

After I wrote my last piece, I had a number of responses and comments… Thank you to all who did that!

It matters to know that someone is reading what you wrote… and by the euphemism “you” I mean anyone who writes … is appreciative of people who take the time to let them know someone paid attention to their words.

Finding my way and finding my voice through this process of great loss in my life, continues to be a journey. I expect it will be a life long journey. And that does not preclude living, it means that life and living now, is exponentially different.

I know that loss is an integral part of living…. As I have often said, “No One gets out of here alive.” And I know that is not mine to own… I did not invent that saying.

That is a fact. None of us, except fictional characters and super heroes are immortal… and even then Superman was vulnerable.

In my previous life, before Anne died, I tried honestly to understand and process the “right” thing/things to say to someone who was going through grief… yet now, I wish I could have used my words and my voice in and even greater level of compassion.

Unfortunately, I am now part of a Club.

The Club of people who have lost a child to death. It does not matter the way that happened, it matters that it has happened…

I am fortunate though, to have a relationship with a number of women who have also lost a precious child. One of my Club members lost 2 children to miscarriage, and yes, that matters because the loss of a child, at any stage of their lives is devastating.

As I have talked with these women, and they have talked with me, it’s been consoling, and helpful. Shared experiences… they open up a different level of understanding.

One of my Club mates shared the word “ Adapt” with me.

The definition of “Adapt” is:

“Become adjusted to new conditions”

“To change as to fit a new situation”

In my last musing, I wrote about great loss as something that you do not get over, you do not move on, there is no healing… and that is absolutely truth. We speak and discuss death and loss in this country in a way that no longer works.

Megan Devine has written, in my opinion, a revolutionary book about death titled “Its’ OK that you’re not OK”.

Another Club mate of mine, referred me to this book which has/is a helpful and passionate discussion on what/how etc to do as you are experiencing the unimaginable loss of someone you love deeply.

There are no rules, there are no timelines, there are no stages of grief…. there is not a neat package or timeline to process through.

Thus, the word “Adapt”…

To me, the woman who shared this with me is wise and right… there is no healing, there is not getting over, there is ADAPTING….

For anyone who is living this reality of loss, be kind to yourself. Your journey is personal, and private and ultimately only you can decide how you choose what you do with each day you are living without your person.

I am grateful for my friend who shared this word with me. I am sorry we are in the same Club… and I am sorry for anyone else who is in this Club. Remember … this journey is yours. How you choose, or how you decide how you go on… you get to Adapt in however it works for you!

Personally, I am Adapting… not because I would choose the new situation and reality of my life, but because Life is precious… that may sound trite, but it is…

No one gets out here alive…

Some leave us way too early…

Every day I wish Anne was here, and that will not change.

Adapting… becoming adjusted to new conditions, changing to fit a new situation…

That’s what I am doing….like it or not.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Navigating the Storm...

˙Hi,

It’s once again, been a while since I’ve written anything.

I decided today was the day to write again, and share the navigational journey we have been on.

As you know, our beautiful daughter Anne died last year… I still can’t actually believe I am writing those words… and honestly, I probably never will get used to writing those words.

People, although mostly well intentioned, may ask, may wonder, why after a year and almost a month, I am still writing about this topic.

To those who wonder, I can’t explain, actually, there is no way to explain unless you personally have gone through the loss of a child. If you have, then you do not wonder why I will continue to write about this life altering event.

I am not sure how anyone else has/is navigating their reality, I only can speak to how I/we are.

My husband, whom I adore, and I actually physically moved twice.. ( as I shared before along with some crazy car shenanigans). For Bill and I we knew we needed to have a presence close to Patrick and the kids, not to be in their face, not to tell Patrick how to now run his family, but to be there. To be present, to have a place to go to, to have a spot where Megan and Bill can go to see Patrick and the kids… a place that’s a bit of a Saxelby refuge. No hotel, our space… a space we filled with the familiar… and memories of Anne… a place that is home in Brooklyn.

We also moved a second time, keeping the spot in Brooklyn, to North Carolina. We have a cute little place in Raleigh. Why Raleigh? Well, Bill was approached and offered a wonderful professional opportunity… a new exciting challenge. A company based in the Research Triangle working on life changing technologies that will help us all deal with the ever evolving configuration of Covid and respiratory viruses still to come.

My life, our lives, look nothing like I thought they would at this point in our lives. Megan, Bill, Max, Megan our children and their lovely spouses, their lives as well are forever altered.

How do you figure out what to do? How to keep living, how to find a path of peace and renewal?

Notice, I did not say healing. I do not believe you heal from an experience like this, I believe you learn to carry it with you as you continue with life.

Some days, the navigational beacons are calm, like navigating through the beautiful turquoise waters near our home in Islamorada…. and sometimes the navigational beacons are buried … catapulting through hurricane force winds.

No two days are the same, and that’s true for most people’s lives. Yet, when navigating through this storm the weight of what you are trying to carry with you, can pull you under.

When that happens, and it does, I go with the flow. I do not try to fight the current. I let the waves take me where they will.

We’ve, Bill and I, made a lot of changes in our lives this past almost 13 months. For us, that was the path that we chose, to seek new places, to leave the weight of the community that we raised our family in behind. To me, that weight was one thing I could make a choice about, and choose to let it go.

I do not have all the answers, or even a clear vision of how to navigate this journey. What I do have is love… for Anne, for Bill, for our entire family.

My navigation, as I continue to ride this wave, will lead me to where and how I am to continue living my life…

And… one thing I do know, is that I will do it well.

Anne would expect no less from me.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

After The Event...

Hi,

Last week I wrote about When the Impossible Happens… and More.

Thank you to all of you who read it, and a huge thank you to those of you who choose to comment, I appreciate that greatly!

As I noted in my note last week, The Anne Saxelby Legacy Fund was started by Patrick and Myself in October… merely 3 days after Anne died. It was not born easily… it was born out of Grief, Anger, Shouting, and Love…trying to cope with an impossible new reality… trying to add, and not subtract any further… trying to make something beautiful out of something so tragic.

And born it was.

The Anne Saxelby Legacy Fund celebrated it’s first Annual Benefit this past Wednesday Evening… September 14th.

Patrick, Anne’s husband, is truly a force of nature. I know that is one of the reasons Anne loved him. To say he did the impossible may be dramatic, but in all actuality he did.

The Legacy Fund has generated a lot of support, a lot of followers, a lot of people willing to help, and a lot of people who said “Yes!” Yes to being there Wednesday, yes to contributing , yes to cooking, yes to creating, yes to serving, yes to organizing…

Well, you get it… more than a thousand people said “YES!”

I do not know the actual number of people that overtook The Chelsea Market in lower Manhattan Wednesday evening… I do know it was well over 1,000 people on two floors or the Market… and each one of them was there to honor, celebrate and create a continuing fund for the work Anne started and would be so proud of!

Anne was there Wednesday through all the people who were present that evening…

As I have written, navigating Anne’s death, and loss of her physical presence is a journey I wish on no one…

Wednesday… what a joyous gift from everyone who supported the Event… Thank you.

That night, Anne was alive again… bringing people together through the Legacy created to honor her… not just her work and what she did… but the very essence of her being… Love, Character, Kindness, Creating…

THANK YOU EVERYONE TO EVERYONE OF YOU WHO HAS MADE THIS HAPPEN!!!

Thanks for reading…

With love and gratitude,

Pam

When the Impossible Happens... and More...

Hi All,

I have not written in a while.

As usual, I have been thinking. It’s such an immense time in my life… how to process all the change that has occurred.

We are approaching the first year anniversary of loosing our dear, wonderful daughter, Anne. She passed away on October 9th from an unknown heart condition… one that I wonder if we could have affected had we known… just one of the questions I have asked myself besides all the others… like Why? But as anyone who has experienced trauma in your life, that’s often an illusive, if not impossible question to answer.

As many of you know, we have started The Anne Saxelby Legacy Fund in Anne’s honor. This has been a positive way to honor her and also let her children know she is continuing to bring positive energy to the world… I know that although they are 9, 8 and 3 they get it. And, it is important to provide a positive in the light of all the dark that occurs when you loose someone you love.

Our journey, Bill’s and mine this past year, has been one we never could have anticipated or envisioned. Who ever envisions that one of their seemingly healthy children will pre-ceed them in death? That was never a thought in any place in my mind… now, I can come up with lots of other crazy things… but never that.

I do not wish this journey on anyone, even people I dislike… it’s not for the weak.

And, that brings me the the MORE part I added in my title.

I have not always accepted that life is for the large part, out of our personal control. It’s about acting and choosing, being the primarily positive person I am, I thought that working hard, doing good works, thinking of others, living a life of character, or trying to, would make a difference in how my life looked. And, in a lot of ways it has, but /and I have learned and now understand that much of life is out of our immediate control.

Embracing that, has actually been freeing, and aided by some crazy things that happened to Bill and I as we were in the earliest stages of grief. The day after Anne’s services, our car was stolen from in front of our apartment in Brooklyn, and it is not an area where you would anticipate or be concerned that would happen.

Three weeks later, it was found just as the Insurance company was writing us a check… it had been a home for someone… someone had been living in our vehicle. Although I am glad someone found some relief from what must be a tenuous situation for them, we were not interested in owning this vehicle any longer.

We owned another vehicle, so we thought given the current situations in our life, we would just wait and see what might be needed.

Bill and I chose to relocate to Brooklyn, to be closer to the kids, and to be able to have a permanent spot. A place we knew would be good for us, and for our family to be near.

We closed our home in Chicago, and moved to Brooklyn. In the process we had our car shipped to us…. the remaining one… and the day we moved into Brooklyn we got the call that there had been an “incident” with the transport of our vehicle, and could we please call them.

It seems the transport driver had not measured the height of the carrier with our SUV on it, and sheared the top of it off as he went under a bridge in Chicago…

What to do? Bill and I actually just started laughing… no one could make up these stories, and the craziness of it all was the clear moment when I gave up the thought of trying to truly control anything.

Cars, they can be replaced… people can’t. The ability to have these experiences while we were desperately working on holding ourselves together actually helped! I think the absurdity of the whole situation gave us the chance to take a break from our daily grief.

As anyone knows, when you loose someone you love deeply, grief is an individual journey. What is so interesting is that is has to be that way.

I am actually grateful that we had the crazy car diversions during the first months of Anne’s passing… I often wonder if she had a hand in it… to help us…

I never thought the impossible loss of a child would be something our family would have to carry… and carry it you do… each of us… all of us.

If you have people in your life who have this burden to carry, please be kind. Know that there is no time line on grief… there is no getting over, there is Love, and the ability to carry that for your person however that works for you in the continuation of your life journey.

If you’re lucky enough to have people in your life that you love deeply, honor them and tell them you love them every day.

That gives me solace, as Anne knew she was loved… every day.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

WHAT WILL WE DO?

I just reviewed my last blog entry which was a guest post.

I am so saddened…

WHAT WILL WE DO???

What will we do to protect our children from needless deaths and violence while they are just trying to learn, grow and become the future of this country?

When people talk about the second amendment and gun rights, how can they reconcile that premiss with the reality of yesterday?

I believe in individual rights, yet who needs an assault weapon? Why can an 18 year old walk right in and buy one… what about universal background checks? What about how this affects the whole of our future? And the future health of generations of young people who have experienced fear just going to school?

Why is the response to teach kids how to brace under their desks, lock the doors, look for escape instead of addressing the issue of REMOVING THE OPTION FOR ANY OF THIS TO BE NEEDED!!

I reached out to a good friend today who happens to be a lawyer, and a great one at that, who has argued before the Supreme Court… and yes, they are actually now part of the problem with their extreme conservative bent.

Why can’t we agree to protect the most vulnerable of our country by giving them the respect they deserve?

Why don”t we do what Australia did and ban automatic weapons, semi-automatic weapons, create a national firearms registry and make a 28 day long waiting process for gun registry???

Why not also move the legal age to be able to purchase a gun to 21?

WHY NOT MAKE THESE CHANGES TO CREATE SAFE SCHOOL FOR ALL OUR CHILDREN!!!

COME ON PEOPLE!!! BE BRAVE… LETS FIGHT FOR THE KIDS OF THIS COUNTRY…

VOTE, DONATE, SPEAK OUT AND LET’S RAISE OUR COLLECTIVE VOICE!!!

Let’s change this!

Appreciate your reading,

Pam