I opened this page, and saw that the last blog I wrote, was exactly 3 days before our oldest daughter died.
It was quite interesting to me, that the title is “Being Happy.”
I was oblivious to the major life trauma that was about to happen.
I just re-read the piece, and am humbly trying to absorb the energy I embraced here… as I sit now attempting to write this new piece, 3 months plus 2 days since our daughter died.
Life has a new reality now… a different rhythm.
I’m trying to absorb, to cope.
Coping, that is a good word:
1a : to deal with and attempt to overcome problems and difficulties —often used with with learning to cope with the demands of her schedule. b : to maintain a contest or combat usually on even terms or with success —used with with. 2 archaic : meet, encounter. 3 obsolete : strike, fight. transitive verb.
The definition above is from the Merriam Webster dictionary.
I particularly like the part that says, “strike, fight.”
Those words are ones that I have not employed or acted on much in my life, but during this time now of Grief… and I capitalize Grief… because when you are going through it… it is all capitals, I have wanted to strike and to fight.
People don’t know how to cope with Grief… not just the griever, but the supposed friends and support group around you don’t know how to do that effectively either.
In our society we’re supposed to “fix, get over, move on.” I will tell you that is an unrealistic and painful way to process Grief.
I have learned much from Megan Devine’s excellent book , “It’s OK That You’re Not Ok.”
Her words and suggestions, understanding and advice are quite real. She, personally has experienced excruciating loss. She lost her partner, I have lost my daughter.
People talk about loss, and if you haven’t gone through it, you can not understand.
I know that people mean well… but it is in their good intentions that help can go wrong.
I have a number of friends who have tried, and I know they love me. However, as I continue to learn and find my way through this painful time, I will tell you that we all need to process and deal with grief more humanely and effectively.
I have apologized to people who suffered great loss, as I now know, my well meaning words were often off the mark…
Platitudes that are elemental in our society for how to comment and talk with people about loss, just do not work.
The absolute best thing to say is “I’m here” and be present. Sit next to ,listen, don’t try to fix. Don’t send articles, don’t send cards… just be.
People don’t know what they need… so allow them the opportunity to wallow in their misery as they need to, allow them to cry, allow yourself to be uncomfortable in their presence, but be present, and through that process you can provide solace.
Life… it’s not always happy…
But in living we learn … perhaps how to find a new way to enjoy happiness, understanding that nothing can or will replace the person you love, and that they would want you to embrace life… integrate their loss into your soul, and honor them by living life well.
Grief is love… that’s why it’s so hard.
Thanks for reading,
Pam