What next?

Hi,

The last blog I wrote was all about Life… the part when something tragic happens… you have a new reality… and the Grief that accompanies that …

Now… what next?

I know for myself, and I can only speak for myself, that this is a singular journey. I can not own, or choose anyone else’s journey, Grief is a singular process, no matter what anyone might think to the contrary.

We all talk about support, and support systems which of course, are essential during a time of great loss… and yes, although they are essential and necessary, each one of us has to navigate their own journey.

My personal journey is not the same as anyone else’s.

So, what to do? What next?

Honestly it depends on the day.

I am approaching my 4th month without my daughter. I still can not believe that is my new reality…

Someone asked me the other day how many children I have… and I said 3. Because, no matter the fact that Anne is gone, does not diminish the fact that I still have 3 children… one just happens to be in a different space.

It’s interesting answering that question… I could say I have 2 children, I could say I have 3 children, and one has died…

I could make up a whole lie…

The reality of this journey is, it sucks…..

“It will get better. “ “ Time heals all wounds.” “ She’s in a better place. “ etc… fall flat.

I am not writing today to complain.

I am writing because it helps… it helps me to put my feelings and experience out there.

If anyone else is experiencing loss… I am sorry… if any one of my words help … I am thankful.

So, on to what’s next?

I don’t know…

One foot in front of the other…

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Life...

I opened this page, and saw that the last blog I wrote, was exactly 3 days before our oldest daughter died.

It was quite interesting to me, that the title is “Being Happy.”

I was oblivious to the major life trauma that was about to happen.

I just re-read the piece, and am humbly trying to absorb the energy I embraced here… as I sit now attempting to write this new piece, 3 months plus 2 days since our daughter died.

Life has a new reality now… a different rhythm.

I’m trying to absorb, to cope.

Coping, that is a good word:

1a : to deal with and attempt to overcome problems and difficulties —often used with with learning to cope with the demands of her schedule. b : to maintain a contest or combat usually on even terms or with success —used with with. 2 archaic : meet, encounter. 3 obsolete : strike, fight. transitive verb.

The definition above is from the Merriam Webster dictionary.

I particularly like the part that says, “strike, fight.”

Those words are ones that I have not employed or acted on much in my life, but during this time now of Grief… and I capitalize Grief… because when you are going through it… it is all capitals, I have wanted to strike and to fight.

People don’t know how to cope with Grief… not just the griever, but the supposed friends and support group around you don’t know how to do that effectively either.

In our society we’re supposed to “fix, get over, move on.” I will tell you that is an unrealistic and painful way to process Grief.

I have learned much from Megan Devine’s excellent book , “It’s OK That You’re Not Ok.”

Her words and suggestions, understanding and advice are quite real. She, personally has experienced excruciating loss. She lost her partner, I have lost my daughter.

People talk about loss, and if you haven’t gone through it, you can not understand.

I know that people mean well… but it is in their good intentions that help can go wrong.

I have a number of friends who have tried, and I know they love me. However, as I continue to learn and find my way through this painful time, I will tell you that we all need to process and deal with grief more humanely and effectively.

I have apologized to people who suffered great loss, as I now know, my well meaning words were often off the mark…

Platitudes that are elemental in our society for how to comment and talk with people about loss, just do not work.

The absolute best thing to say is “I’m here” and be present. Sit next to ,listen, don’t try to fix. Don’t send articles, don’t send cards… just be.

People don’t know what they need… so allow them the opportunity to wallow in their misery as they need to, allow them to cry, allow yourself to be uncomfortable in their presence, but be present, and through that process you can provide solace.

Life… it’s not always happy…

But in living we learn … perhaps how to find a new way to enjoy happiness, understanding that nothing can or will replace the person you love, and that they would want you to embrace life… integrate their loss into your soul, and honor them by living life well.

Grief is love… that’s why it’s so hard.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

Being Happy...

Hi All,

So, right now I am happy, and grateful.

No big change has occurred, nothing new has happened, I have just decided that I am going to enjoy feeling good!

Do you ever do that? Realize you’re happy… then think, “Is there something I should be thinking about differently, is there something I should be doing differently, is there something I should be feeling differently?”

I do, and then I tell myself to cut it out, or at least I am getting better about that!

There have been times in my life where I have thought… “Oh well, when THAT happens, then I will be happy. Or if that happens I will be happy, or if I can change this one thing I will then be happy.”

Isn’t it crazy to think like that???

Do you know how much of life we can actually waste thinking like that?

I do, I have wasted months, probably years!

I have been enjoying writing these blogs and getting peoples responses and reactions.

When you write, it is motivating to have people interact and share their thoughts, both positive and negative.

I don’t expect that everyone would agree with my perspective or perceptions all the time… that’s not why I do this, or why spend time working on different pieces.

I do this because I hope, and I have to say I love that word “Hope” such a powerful word, that maybe something I share will make a difference in someone’s life. Maybe someone who has been searching or struggling will find a sentence or a thought that will make them feel heard.

I think being seen and heard is a powerful thing. When I feel seen and heard, it affects my whole well being.

It’s not that I need people to like me, or agree with me.

So I hope that when people read these posts, they feel some semblance of being heard, and seen in the words that I write.

That something I have shared with either a struggle of mine, or a perspective of mine will resonate.

And in resonating, someone will have a better day because of that!

I hope you are happy today, and if not, I hope you will find something that can make you smile, and maybe just maybe, that will make your day happier….

We don’t have to wait for big things in our lives to make us happy.

Find joy in something … anything each day, and happiness will be yours.

Thanks for reading,

Pam

When you get stuck...

Hi,

Do you ever get stuck? Stuck in a certain rut, stuck in a certain way of thinking, stuck with a situation?

I know the answer to those questions is … “YES” … everyone gets stuck sometimes.

However, the question is not do you get stuck, because as I said we all know that we do, its’ what are you going to do about it?

I’ve always had the dream to write. So I started…I started first with a blog… which this is an evolved form of, and from there began to write Children’s Books… Children’s Picture Books.

I have written 3 to date, with one more in the hopper… and 3 more in my head to some degree.

Now… here’s the story.

After writing the first 3, I was offered a contract from a small start up Traditional Publisher… THRILLED was I!

However, Covid happened, and I am still waiting… and I am sure many other people can relate to this, to have a definitive date for it’s release … it is dragging on… and so far there’s only the hope it will come out.

So, now I have to figure out what to do. Should I continue to hope? Should I decide to go another way?

I am thinking … maybe I need to run a parallel path. Write other things…

So, here’s where that comes in.

Blogging… it’s fun, it’s hopefully somewhat helpful or interesting to others… and if nothing else, I am practicing writing, which is alway a good thing.

Whenever we are stuck, it’s a good practice to just do something… it doesn’t have to be mind blowing, or huge… just a start.

Nothing happens if you don’t start…

Good luck everyone! Hope you start your way right out of being stuck!

Until next time,

Pam

SHOULDS, WOULDS, AND COULDS...

Should, Woulds, and Coulds….

Have you ever been caught in those moments?

I should have… I would have… I could have…?

I’ve been thinking about those words as I watch and ponder where the world is at right now.

Are their many thing we should have done? Would we have done them if we could?

Should have, would have, could have … ultimately, who cares?

All the lamenting and wringing of hands over what has already happened won’t change a thing.

So… why am I even talking about this???

The answer is to remind myself and all of us to be kind…

We all make mistakes, and actually those mistakes when looked at through a growth lens, will be the catalyst to new and wonderful opportunities.

If we never fail, if we never make mistakes, how boring would life be???

O.k…. It could be nice to never feel the shame or disappointment, or sadness of failing, but again, who cares?

Humans would never evolve if we all chose to stay complacent, to not risk.

It truly is hard if you take a risk and it doesn’t turn out the way you had hoped. Yet, the whole process of taking that risk has changed you… and that is the greatest part about being alive.

Each day we have the most amazing opportunity to start over… yesterday is just that… yesterday. It is gone, never to be retrieved. The purpose of yesterday was to provide your those lessons, joys, and experiences.

So let it go…

Whatever you think you should have done, learn from….

Whatever you think you would have done, learn from…

Whatever you think you could have done, learn from…

Take all of those shoulds, woulds, and coulds and use them as your catalysts for today, and tomorrow and the next day.

Learn each day. Let go of what has happened, use your history as its own teaching tool.

Now… go out today and try again!

Try, try, try until you succeed.

Appreciate your journey… the failures that lead to the successes… the ultimate joy of being a flawed human being!

Pam

A Brand New Year.....

Hi Everyone!

What a time we’ve been in… and are still in to a lesser/greater extent depending on where you are.

How are you doing? How are your kids? How is everyone feeling about either being back in school, or soon starting?

Are we hopeful? Are we unsure? Are we scared?

I think all 3 of those questions will have yes as the answer, dependent on geography and individual load for continued unknowns.

I read an article this morning about living life right now, with all the unknowns. It pointed out, quite accurately, that each day is actually, always unknown. No matter your level of planning, something can cause the need for a pivot, for flexibility, for a different strategy.

Two of our grandchildren live in Brooklyn, NY. They stared school today. One began third grade and the other began second grade… in person!

We received the cutest photos, with all the regular first day of school needs… new shoes, backpacks, cute outfits… and SMILES!

They are one month behind our granddaughter who lives in Georgia. She started school a month ago, and is a brand new kindergartner! So far, that experience is going quite well…she is healthy, her classmates are healthy, and she is most of all, happy.

This past 20 months has taken its toll on kids, on teachers, on learning… and how we proceed in a time such as this in a direction that will allow kids to continue to have the opportunities to become their best and most importantly, complete selves.

School provides that for them, and although it’s scary right now, perhaps the best strategy we can employ is one of measured trust, and intelligent choice.

Everyone will need to decide how that looks for them, and for their kids, however, I think our school officials are trying hard to provide that experience.

Our kids deserve no less.

Happy first month of school Gracie, and Happy first day of school, Max and Josie!

Until next time,

Pam

Surrender and Trust

Hi Everyone,

I am thinking a lot lately about how to adjust to and thrive through this time period we are all in.

I am mostly a positive person, I usually can pull myself back from the brink… at least most of the time.

Lately though, I am finding it more challenging.

I don’t know what your morning practice is… but each morning I spend some time trying to get my mind right. I have a number of motivational and inspirational sites I read, and think on. This helps me try to get my mindset properly focused for the day.

I used to be in the practice of also checking the main news sources, so I would feel informed and aware of what had happened in the world before I woke up.

I am reevaluating that practice…

It’s not that I don’t want to be informed, it’s more like I want to decide how to do that.

I actually have been scrolling through Twitter… here I feel I am more selective about who/what/where I choose to look.

I do though have to acknowledge that periodically this site too, makes me a little crazy!

I am grateful right now to be in a physical place that calms me, and that I feel renews my spirit. It’s our home that we have in a quiet place in the world… and yes, I am so thankful and appreciative of the chance to be here.

We arrived on Wednesday evening … and now that it’s Friday, I feel myself quieting… exhaling, breathing slower, thinking quieter thoughts…

Surrender… Trust.. those are words that I am thinking about a lot.

I saw a post addressing those exact words. And now, as I sit writing, there is s song playing about waiting, trusting and knowing that at the end of the road, there is a pot of gold.

Maybe that’s a little much, thinking there’s a pot of gold at the end of the road… but why not embrace it? If we think there’s nothing but dirt at the end of the road, where’s the fun or hope in that?

I think why not? Why not spend more of our time, trusting and surrendering to the hope and joy that can/will fill our hearts in believing we will find what we need…

We just have to surrender, and trust. Which can be much easier said than done, but I for one and going to begin to practice more… practice surrendering and trusting…

Have each of you noticed, that no matter the amount of worrying you do, it never changes anything? It just zaps you of your joy, and the chance to embrace the moments…

I am not saying we can all just be Zen… I am saying that with each day, as we understand what we can do, and can not do to change, alter, affect life, why not lean into trusting that there is always a force guiding us, even more so, when we are able to let go….

Surrender and Trust….why not?

Until next time,

Pam

Have you ever?

Hi all,

Have you ever, despite your good intentions, and positive thinking, and mindset… still felt stuck?

Well… that’s where I am at today.

Lots of people tell me “You’re such a positive happy person”… and generally I am, but like everyone, sometimes I have a sad day, precipitated by the most menial thing… which is happening today.

There are so many good things in my life, and for that I am always and constantly grateful. Yet, sometimes as I am working through life, and trying hard to keep the right… (judgy word) perspective… I just have to allow myself the time to cry, to be sad, to feel allllllll the feelings.

Life is an ever evolving story for all of us…

So, if you’re having a harder day, or when you have a harder day, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to just go with all the feelings.

You will feel better for it, and as we all know, it too will pass.

Until next time,

Pam

Guest Blog Post: How You Can Prepare Your Child for Summer Camp

Photo via Pixabay

I am sharing this article from Emily Graham of the Mighty Moms blog.

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It’s probably the season children look forward to most. Summer means freedom, exploration, play, and being outside. And if your children are going to summer camp, you may want to take the time to prepare them with safe and active outdoor explorations.

Play in the Backyard

Sometimes, kids just want to play. A great way to introduce them to being outside is to get them active with backyard games. Potato sack, scavenger hunt, and cornhole are great classics. Once you've figured out which games to play, make sure you prep the yard for maximum safety and fun. If you don't have a fence, now is a good time to get one installed. Know the average costs of installing a fence ahead of time to help you stick to your budget; for example, a wooden fence costs an average of $16 per foot, while a vinyl fence costs around $30 per foot. With these prices in mind, gather estimates from highly-rated fence companies, which you can find on websites like Angi. That way, you'll get the best possible offer and service.

Outdoor Crafting

Another great way to have kids spend active time outside is by making outdoor crafts. You can weave tree tapestries together to hang around your neighborhood or in your backyard. Come up with stories about your tapestries to make it even more fun. Are they fairy catchers? Are they butterfly beds? Ask your child what they are designing theirs for. You can bake pebble plaques by going out and collecting stones to then bake into “plaques,” and create different designs in your dough. These sorts of tasks double as fun but also may mirror some of the crafts they do at an outdoor camp.

Explore the Outdoors Together

Sometimes, simple exploration can lead to unforeseen adventures. Bring binoculars, a magnifying glass, and perhaps a butterfly net. Discover what kinds of bugs you can find, but also look out for unique birds. This activity is a fantastic way to encourage your child to explore, observe, and learn how to be active outside and have fun. You can let your child guide your little group, and give them a taste of independence.

Go Camping

What better way to prepare your children for camp than to take them camping? Start by looking at what campgrounds are near to your home, so if something goes wrong, going home isn’t a hassle. The closer you are to the city, the easier things may be. Instead of having to roast your dinner over a campfire, you can potentially order takeout to be delivered or picked up on the way. Involve your children in assembling the camp gear itself. Have them pitch the tents, with help where they need it, or have them set up the sleeping bags or inflatable mattresses. If you’re going to be cooking at the campground, have the kids help. They can gather twigs and sticks to use as kindling, and help assemble the meal once it has been cooked.

Play With the Environment

One way to involve kids in the outdoors is to simply let them entertain themselves outside. Nature provides its own toys for our kids, and they are creative and imaginative enough to find ways to have fun in their environment. Digging a hole can quickly turn into making a fort. Trees with low branches are great for climbing. Allow your children the ability to explore for themselves to have fun, but be sure to always supervise.

Children today often find themselves indoors for the bulk of their time. It’s important to teach and prepare them on how to go outside and be in nature. Camp is a great experience, but make sure you take the time to teach your child how to feel comfortable and safe in the great outdoors.

The Importance of Children’s Books!

Remembering Eric Carle

Eric Carle has passed away… a sad day for all lovers of children’s books.

When I was a young teacher barely out of college, I was teaching elementary school in Dayton, Ohio. Every summer, as part of our teaching contract, we had to complete continuing education hours.

I love, love, love Children’s Books! So when I found out that Eric Carle would be offering a two-day seminar on Children’s Picture Books, their importance, and his unique art process, I was thrilled!

The seminar was in Cincinnati, Ohio… so an easy drive from Dayton. I remember still the morning I woke up to drive down for the day, and the anticipation I felt! My husband and I were newly married, and it was so exciting to be living in a new state, and starting all the parts of our life together. Exploring new adventures and beginning our careers.

As I drove to the seminar, I wondered if I would have the nerve to talk with this wonderful man. I had been enamored with his art, and his process since I learned about him in my college Children’s Literature course.

He did not disappoint!

During the two days I was lucky enough to spend with him, he delighted all of us with his stories and his art…. He even let us try his process! ( I discovered I was not an artist… ) We discussed how he wrote and why… I remember him saying he loved to delight Children… with art and words.

Boy, did he do that!

I think everyone knows his story The Hungry Caterpillar. This iconic book, and the many others he wrote, delight and inspire children all across the world, as his books are translated into a number of other languages. The Hungry Caterpillar alone is translated into 40 languages. Imagine the reach that gives him and his words!

"The Mixed up Chameleon," by Elena S., age 6
Inspired by Eric Carle's Mixed Up Chameleon

As I think about stories, the way they are crafted, the importance they hold… it makes me again realize how valuable they are to children. Children’s books touch children’s hearts, provide them with vivid imaginative process, comfort and delight, as well as teach them the importance of the written word.

I always say that once a child can read, the whole world opens up to them! A book can take you anywhere… show you new worlds and inspire kids to try new things! Let’s all remember to appreciate the value of time spent reading to children… big and small. Go find a good one, settle in with a favorite child on your lap, or just choose to smile yourself!

Happy reading!